Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Riddle me this Batman!!! Sorry I couldn't help it. I had to ask that question!!! Picture this scenario.....your kid comes up to you to ask you about if he could have his electronics back. The father says no b/c it's not done with the two (2) weeks punishment. The father and son discuss the issues of the punishment and father says that tonight (Wednesday) after midnight you are able to watch and get your electronics back. Then father says to son......"since this is the last game of the world series why don't you watch the baseball game?" WTH!!!! You just let him watch t.v. (restriction from) after you JUST said that you're not allowed to have electronics!!!! I don't get it!!! Does that not make sense at all or is it just me? IDK.
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Not happy for a while
Tuesday, October 2, 2013
Well, I think the homeschooling has finally come to an end. These past few days have been TERRIBLE!!!! I understand about the testosterone flowing threw someone but MAN is this really bad this time. I don't know where the disrespect comes from or where he can get the idea that he can stand up to me or to his father. I don't get it. So at this time the homeschooling is no longer healthy for the two of us, that family or the house. It would be nice to send him off to school if we had a good school district to or school to send him to. The schools out here are TERRIBLE. They have gangs that form in the school and there are a lot of fights that happen. Now IDK whether the fights start from the kids I know to survive but that still doesn't make it right. I'm saddened by this b/c I really enjoy homeschooling when you don't have a student that argues with you about doing the work or doing the work in a timely manner. The words that are said are hurtful and when you have a student that says things that are hurtful (plus you have a child that doesn't FEEL they are hurtful) it is hard to homeschool. My heart cries out for you God. I pray that you would soften my heart. Take away this burden from my heart that I have turn it into Your goodness and love. Have me to love my son the way You love him. Show me that I can love him like You. How DO I love the unloveable? The way I look at it is I pray that this school change would turn out to be a good thing. I hope he soars higher than he did when I was homeschooling him. I hope he likes what he is doing and thrives on wanting to do more. I pray that he is eager to do what he needs to do and that he can keep up. Lord pour Your love upon to this household. We are in desperate need of Your kindness, love and grace. Hold this family together as You want it to be. Take these dark thoughts from my head. Pour Your grace and wisdom upon me. Have me to be the light for J and have me to love him and not hate him. Have me NOT to regret my choice and have me to Thank God that we adopted him. I pray that You take J and You give him Your grace and Your wisdom. Have him to learn to love those that are not like him. Have to learn to make friends and keep them. Have him to run and play and have fun like other kids can do. Have to be broken and be obedient and honor the parents he has. Have to be grateful for the things You have provided for him. Have him to have hope love peace and joy.
I pray that You take away my dark thoughts. Take away the thoughts of suicide. Take away the thoughts of trying to figure out how I could do it w/o feeling the pain b/c I've been feeling too much pain for awhile. It's been so long since I've been or felt happy IDK what it is to be happy or to feel happy. Have those feelings come back to me and to this family. Have me to want to be part of this family. Have me to WANT to be a Mom. Have me to have a great experience in being a parent. I would like to have the relationship with my son.
Well, I think the homeschooling has finally come to an end. These past few days have been TERRIBLE!!!! I understand about the testosterone flowing threw someone but MAN is this really bad this time. I don't know where the disrespect comes from or where he can get the idea that he can stand up to me or to his father. I don't get it. So at this time the homeschooling is no longer healthy for the two of us, that family or the house. It would be nice to send him off to school if we had a good school district to or school to send him to. The schools out here are TERRIBLE. They have gangs that form in the school and there are a lot of fights that happen. Now IDK whether the fights start from the kids I know to survive but that still doesn't make it right. I'm saddened by this b/c I really enjoy homeschooling when you don't have a student that argues with you about doing the work or doing the work in a timely manner. The words that are said are hurtful and when you have a student that says things that are hurtful (plus you have a child that doesn't FEEL they are hurtful) it is hard to homeschool. My heart cries out for you God. I pray that you would soften my heart. Take away this burden from my heart that I have turn it into Your goodness and love. Have me to love my son the way You love him. Show me that I can love him like You. How DO I love the unloveable? The way I look at it is I pray that this school change would turn out to be a good thing. I hope he soars higher than he did when I was homeschooling him. I hope he likes what he is doing and thrives on wanting to do more. I pray that he is eager to do what he needs to do and that he can keep up. Lord pour Your love upon to this household. We are in desperate need of Your kindness, love and grace. Hold this family together as You want it to be. Take these dark thoughts from my head. Pour Your grace and wisdom upon me. Have me to be the light for J and have me to love him and not hate him. Have me NOT to regret my choice and have me to Thank God that we adopted him. I pray that You take J and You give him Your grace and Your wisdom. Have him to learn to love those that are not like him. Have to learn to make friends and keep them. Have him to run and play and have fun like other kids can do. Have to be broken and be obedient and honor the parents he has. Have to be grateful for the things You have provided for him. Have him to have hope love peace and joy.
I pray that You take away my dark thoughts. Take away the thoughts of suicide. Take away the thoughts of trying to figure out how I could do it w/o feeling the pain b/c I've been feeling too much pain for awhile. It's been so long since I've been or felt happy IDK what it is to be happy or to feel happy. Have those feelings come back to me and to this family. Have me to want to be part of this family. Have me to WANT to be a Mom. Have me to have a great experience in being a parent. I would like to have the relationship with my son.
Monday, October 7, 2013
Respect?
Monday, October 7, 2013
So J asks a question a few weeks back on what is respect? REALLY? He supposed to know that b/c we (or at least I do) try to teach him that so why would he be asking what that meant? It amazes me that J does not give me the respect that I deserve. All I ask is to have him do certain things and just do them w/o moaning, groaning, griping and complaining but he does. I don't really ask him to like jump off a tall building, or go run down to the store and buy groceries for me and walk home. I just want him to do as I ask w/o out anything or rolling of the eyes. I actually witness he can do it today. He actually go all his homework and work done by 3:30ish. I was very excited for him and I even complimented him on that. I give him time to watch t.v. and let him have a snack!!! I mean I could have so told him NO and be a total bitch about it.
I often wonder if I'm being too hard on him in trying to teach him to be a gentleman when he is totally incapable of being that. With having him have Aspergers the children don't exactly have feelings or understand about social manners or anything. So am I expecting too much or trying to teach the unteachable? I'm not sure.
It's been a while since I even said anything on FB b/c I get yelled at just by venting. I sometimes I just want to vent and get things off my chest. I sometimes feel that when I go to W I'm more of a sibling and telling on J than a mother that is concerned about rules? When he goes to bed I don't the motion like he's going to hug me like he does to GM or W but then again I don't motion to him either b/c I'm mad at him. I mean, he yells at me and then turns around to think everything is hunky dory and I'm supposed to forgive him for yelling at me and give him a hug? I don't think so!!! I'm sorry I can't forgive knowing I'm going to be yelled at soon or right after I forgive him. I get the yelling the most b/c W isn't involved with him that much. Only in scouts or maybe once a month at a camping trip or maybe on weekends. I look forward to the times when I'm not at home and by myself. I love it. I don't have to deal with him or talk to him. I try not to deal with him when I'm at home or react to his stuff that he says or does. I try to look the other way.
You know since I've started this blog. I actually have been feeling better and not coming on here to write with a sad or angry heart. Yes my heart is sad and hurt but it's different when I come on here. I feel like I'm talking to someone that understands me and listens to me and not judge me b/c I feel that sometimes W judges me on my parenting skills or my thought on why I do things.
But anyways, I thank you for listening. :D
So J asks a question a few weeks back on what is respect? REALLY? He supposed to know that b/c we (or at least I do) try to teach him that so why would he be asking what that meant? It amazes me that J does not give me the respect that I deserve. All I ask is to have him do certain things and just do them w/o moaning, groaning, griping and complaining but he does. I don't really ask him to like jump off a tall building, or go run down to the store and buy groceries for me and walk home. I just want him to do as I ask w/o out anything or rolling of the eyes. I actually witness he can do it today. He actually go all his homework and work done by 3:30ish. I was very excited for him and I even complimented him on that. I give him time to watch t.v. and let him have a snack!!! I mean I could have so told him NO and be a total bitch about it.
I often wonder if I'm being too hard on him in trying to teach him to be a gentleman when he is totally incapable of being that. With having him have Aspergers the children don't exactly have feelings or understand about social manners or anything. So am I expecting too much or trying to teach the unteachable? I'm not sure.
It's been a while since I even said anything on FB b/c I get yelled at just by venting. I sometimes I just want to vent and get things off my chest. I sometimes feel that when I go to W I'm more of a sibling and telling on J than a mother that is concerned about rules? When he goes to bed I don't the motion like he's going to hug me like he does to GM or W but then again I don't motion to him either b/c I'm mad at him. I mean, he yells at me and then turns around to think everything is hunky dory and I'm supposed to forgive him for yelling at me and give him a hug? I don't think so!!! I'm sorry I can't forgive knowing I'm going to be yelled at soon or right after I forgive him. I get the yelling the most b/c W isn't involved with him that much. Only in scouts or maybe once a month at a camping trip or maybe on weekends. I look forward to the times when I'm not at home and by myself. I love it. I don't have to deal with him or talk to him. I try not to deal with him when I'm at home or react to his stuff that he says or does. I try to look the other way.
You know since I've started this blog. I actually have been feeling better and not coming on here to write with a sad or angry heart. Yes my heart is sad and hurt but it's different when I come on here. I feel like I'm talking to someone that understands me and listens to me and not judge me b/c I feel that sometimes W judges me on my parenting skills or my thought on why I do things.
But anyways, I thank you for listening. :D
Friday, September 20, 2013
Feeling Trapped
September 20, 2013
Well, it's our FIRST official full week of school and we have fought EVERY DAY this week. Isn't that lovely!! Ugh!! You know you've had a long week when you can realize that you've fought everyday. The school just started and you want to kill yourself already. Oh wait, I've been wanting to kill myself for a while now!!!! It's sad that when you don't love your child as how other parents love their child. It just seems like I'm just going through the motion of being there for him to argue with and to be beaten up on. It wearing on the attitude and on the mind. I know somewhere it's wearing on the physical as well but not sure where it fits in all that. Anyways, I feel alone here in this quest of homeschooling. Well, I've felt alone since I've started. W hasn't really been supportive, well, I should say he has been supportive but not the kind of supportive as I would like. I wish he would be supportive like I could say something like complain a little and not have to worry about having it thrown back in my face. I know it would come back to me in the form of "you CHOSE to homeschool him." Why can't I just complain and not expect to have an answer back. B/c he complains so much about the troop and not do anything about it. I mean if you complain something about something so much wouldn't you want to do something about it? IDK, maybe I'm weird but if someone suggests that you should do something about it maybe you should!!!
You know, I wish I had a gun right now. I'm SO in the mood to shoot myself and get the pain over with. I know no one would miss me b/c it would make their lives much easier and I know it would make mine A LOT simpler. But then again, God, I know you're listening to all this and not sure if killing yourself is a sin. I don't know if that's in the Bible or not. I know I'm a sinner and I've yelled at J today Please forgive me of my sin and have me to just not be with him anymore. If you think that something should happen to me please let it happen but quickly. Have the tragic thing happen when J is not in the car (at least). If it is my time take me. I'm SO ready for that. I know my life is not as bad as some but at this moment (to me) it is. Have you ever felt that you were so alone in life that you don't have anyone you can count on to just listen or not say anything back? I have people I could probably go to but IDK if they would just sit back and let me talk the way I want to talk. People may talk wondering what's wrong with me or may say something to someone. What's wrong with just talking and wanting to have your life to end? With so many people committing suicide I could understand why people would do that. I'm in that dark place and I don't know if I could get out of it. There are only two ways that I could get out of it: 1) by killing oneself 2) by leaving and never coming back. I know if I left, I know that W would have a lot of help with his mom and J would be put in school and be taken care of. Maybe not the way that I think he should be taken care of but at least be covered. While I was taking a shower, I realized that I'm NEVER away from J at any given time during the day OR night. Here is my complaint: W is out of the house for however many hours during the day and so is his mom. That leaves me. I leave the house for 1 hr out of my day and I'm with him 24/7. No wonder I'm going crazy but some people is this household don't see it that way. I'm told I'm supposed to take him on my hr workouts with me. Just b/c he can't get off his lazy butt doesn't mean he has to go with me on my runs with my dog. J should be able to take care of himself since he is 12! At what point is it that he needs to start taking care of himself (at learn)? At what point do I start loving my child? At what point am I supposed to wish he would never leave the house? I'm always telling him to leave or for me to leave. I'm still waiting for that moment when his brain switches on to where and so does the common sense. It's funny that when we're in the car he rags on people about they don't have common sense when J doesn't even have any common sense either.
Lord I pray that You hear my cries. Give the strength to continue on and give me comfort and pour the joy of Your word in my heart. Take this feeling from me and replace it with Your patients and love. Please bring the Joy to my heart as you continue to say in your word. Amen.
Well, it's our FIRST official full week of school and we have fought EVERY DAY this week. Isn't that lovely!! Ugh!! You know you've had a long week when you can realize that you've fought everyday. The school just started and you want to kill yourself already. Oh wait, I've been wanting to kill myself for a while now!!!! It's sad that when you don't love your child as how other parents love their child. It just seems like I'm just going through the motion of being there for him to argue with and to be beaten up on. It wearing on the attitude and on the mind. I know somewhere it's wearing on the physical as well but not sure where it fits in all that. Anyways, I feel alone here in this quest of homeschooling. Well, I've felt alone since I've started. W hasn't really been supportive, well, I should say he has been supportive but not the kind of supportive as I would like. I wish he would be supportive like I could say something like complain a little and not have to worry about having it thrown back in my face. I know it would come back to me in the form of "you CHOSE to homeschool him." Why can't I just complain and not expect to have an answer back. B/c he complains so much about the troop and not do anything about it. I mean if you complain something about something so much wouldn't you want to do something about it? IDK, maybe I'm weird but if someone suggests that you should do something about it maybe you should!!!
You know, I wish I had a gun right now. I'm SO in the mood to shoot myself and get the pain over with. I know no one would miss me b/c it would make their lives much easier and I know it would make mine A LOT simpler. But then again, God, I know you're listening to all this and not sure if killing yourself is a sin. I don't know if that's in the Bible or not. I know I'm a sinner and I've yelled at J today Please forgive me of my sin and have me to just not be with him anymore. If you think that something should happen to me please let it happen but quickly. Have the tragic thing happen when J is not in the car (at least). If it is my time take me. I'm SO ready for that. I know my life is not as bad as some but at this moment (to me) it is. Have you ever felt that you were so alone in life that you don't have anyone you can count on to just listen or not say anything back? I have people I could probably go to but IDK if they would just sit back and let me talk the way I want to talk. People may talk wondering what's wrong with me or may say something to someone. What's wrong with just talking and wanting to have your life to end? With so many people committing suicide I could understand why people would do that. I'm in that dark place and I don't know if I could get out of it. There are only two ways that I could get out of it: 1) by killing oneself 2) by leaving and never coming back. I know if I left, I know that W would have a lot of help with his mom and J would be put in school and be taken care of. Maybe not the way that I think he should be taken care of but at least be covered. While I was taking a shower, I realized that I'm NEVER away from J at any given time during the day OR night. Here is my complaint: W is out of the house for however many hours during the day and so is his mom. That leaves me. I leave the house for 1 hr out of my day and I'm with him 24/7. No wonder I'm going crazy but some people is this household don't see it that way. I'm told I'm supposed to take him on my hr workouts with me. Just b/c he can't get off his lazy butt doesn't mean he has to go with me on my runs with my dog. J should be able to take care of himself since he is 12! At what point is it that he needs to start taking care of himself (at learn)? At what point do I start loving my child? At what point am I supposed to wish he would never leave the house? I'm always telling him to leave or for me to leave. I'm still waiting for that moment when his brain switches on to where and so does the common sense. It's funny that when we're in the car he rags on people about they don't have common sense when J doesn't even have any common sense either.
Lord I pray that You hear my cries. Give the strength to continue on and give me comfort and pour the joy of Your word in my heart. Take this feeling from me and replace it with Your patients and love. Please bring the Joy to my heart as you continue to say in your word. Amen.
Thursday, September 19, 2013
School Time!
September 19, 2013
Well, this is the second (2nd) seek of school and I've already regret my decision. Well, let's just say I regret teaching him but not keeping him home from school from the other reasons. I guess my other reason.ns would be making sure he gets the attention he needs but I think that sometimes it's too much. I've tried to be patient but SOMEtimes he just gets under my skin. Like I've said, I HATE the issues he has and maybe if you take away the issues then maybe I would LOVE the kid. But I know that's just not going to happen. I try to love the kid AND the issues but sometimes it is difficult to do.
We've already have been fighting this week and it's only Thursday. The big one was Tuesday on our way to see Dr. E. As always the issue and I think will always will be the radio in the car. I have the volume low (I like it that way) but J doesn't. He wants the volume higher but as the driver I've had the volume on high and I've had it to where I would be driving along and all of a sudden I'd see the ambulance. So NOW I make sure my volume in my car is low so I may hear the police, fire trucks or ambulance. But anyways, J wanted it higher in the volume (he asked nicely) and I answered no. You would think he would be respectful and accept that answer but NO he didn't he wanted to continue to fight my answer and be me down to answer yes. But to no avail..... I held my ground and said no and don't touch my stuff in my car. He didn't like that and he went on another tangent. We finally got to Dr. E and we went in our session and guess what!!!! I feel validated that I have someone on my side (for once) to let him know that he total disrespected my authority. It's like what he said on Tuesday. We were in school and he "started" to ask me something about Wednesday. I told him, "I didn't want to think about tomorrow, I just want to get today over with." J says, "okay, but I ....." Again I tell him, "I told you, I don't want to talk about tomorrow, just want to get through today." So he actually dropped it but I get totally disrespected constantly and it wears on me to where I feel like I'm beat down by a baseball bat.
I'm hoping today will be a better day. I pray the Lord bring me peace and understanding. Lord help me with my tongue and my attitude. Help me to love the unloveable. Amen.
Well, this is the second (2nd) seek of school and I've already regret my decision. Well, let's just say I regret teaching him but not keeping him home from school from the other reasons. I guess my other reason.ns would be making sure he gets the attention he needs but I think that sometimes it's too much. I've tried to be patient but SOMEtimes he just gets under my skin. Like I've said, I HATE the issues he has and maybe if you take away the issues then maybe I would LOVE the kid. But I know that's just not going to happen. I try to love the kid AND the issues but sometimes it is difficult to do.
We've already have been fighting this week and it's only Thursday. The big one was Tuesday on our way to see Dr. E. As always the issue and I think will always will be the radio in the car. I have the volume low (I like it that way) but J doesn't. He wants the volume higher but as the driver I've had the volume on high and I've had it to where I would be driving along and all of a sudden I'd see the ambulance. So NOW I make sure my volume in my car is low so I may hear the police, fire trucks or ambulance. But anyways, J wanted it higher in the volume (he asked nicely) and I answered no. You would think he would be respectful and accept that answer but NO he didn't he wanted to continue to fight my answer and be me down to answer yes. But to no avail..... I held my ground and said no and don't touch my stuff in my car. He didn't like that and he went on another tangent. We finally got to Dr. E and we went in our session and guess what!!!! I feel validated that I have someone on my side (for once) to let him know that he total disrespected my authority. It's like what he said on Tuesday. We were in school and he "started" to ask me something about Wednesday. I told him, "I didn't want to think about tomorrow, I just want to get today over with." J says, "okay, but I ....." Again I tell him, "I told you, I don't want to talk about tomorrow, just want to get through today." So he actually dropped it but I get totally disrespected constantly and it wears on me to where I feel like I'm beat down by a baseball bat.
I'm hoping today will be a better day. I pray the Lord bring me peace and understanding. Lord help me with my tongue and my attitude. Help me to love the unloveable. Amen.
Monday, September 2, 2013
Labor Day Fiasco!!!!
September 2, 2013 (Labor Day)
Happy Labor Day everyone! It still baffles me that today is Labor Day and people aren't supposed to labor but they do. That's funny!!!
It was a great humid day in Moreno Valley and it started out great with a cup of coffee and pancakes!!! How I love pancakes!!! Anyways, J got up and ended up coming to the table for breakfast so I ended up eating faster and leaving the table. For some reason I can't STAND sitting across from J and look at him eating. Isn't that sad! I try to NOT be in the same room as J but today was different. Everything was fine and dandy up until 4:30!!! At that time I had asked him to feed the animals and I left him to finish up fixing his bed. Shortly after that Grandma went to his room and told him the same thing. I didn't say anything or do anything but finally around 4:45 he came out to feed the animals. He first fed Pearl (cat) as always and then came Babe (dog). It just seems like every time he is supposed to feed Babe, J makes her wait!!! I DON'T understand why. I left the kitchen and came back to find J gone and NOT feeding Babe!!! J was wanting to BBQ b/c he was wanting to help with cooking of the ribs we were having for dinner. When I didn't see J making an effort to feed Babe, I went ahead and took over the task at hand. I wasn't going to be waiting for J to feed Babe for whatever reason. So I got the dry food and came back into the kitchen and that was when J grabbed for the dog bowl. I told him to let go, I got it and I am going to feed Babe! He of course didn't and we got into it. He stood close and go into my face and I told him to not be in my face!!! I pushed him away b/c he was in my face!!! Then when I looked into the frig to see if there was a can of dog food J ran into the garage to get the can I need to feed the dog. I went out there to get the can from him and he wouldn't give it to me so I threw my spoon that I had in my hand at him. He wanted to take over but I refused to let him do b/c it wasn't the issue of feeding the dog it was that he decided to NOT feed her when I asked him to from the beginning.
Here we go again!!! WHY CAN'T HE JUST DO WHAT I ASK HIM TO DO WHEN I ASK IT!!! WHY DO EVERYTHING HAS TO BE ON HIS TERMS B/C HE WON'T BE DOING IT!!! Oh Gosh!!!
I just want to either KILL MYSELF or run away!!! either one is good!!!
Happy Labor Day everyone! It still baffles me that today is Labor Day and people aren't supposed to labor but they do. That's funny!!!
It was a great humid day in Moreno Valley and it started out great with a cup of coffee and pancakes!!! How I love pancakes!!! Anyways, J got up and ended up coming to the table for breakfast so I ended up eating faster and leaving the table. For some reason I can't STAND sitting across from J and look at him eating. Isn't that sad! I try to NOT be in the same room as J but today was different. Everything was fine and dandy up until 4:30!!! At that time I had asked him to feed the animals and I left him to finish up fixing his bed. Shortly after that Grandma went to his room and told him the same thing. I didn't say anything or do anything but finally around 4:45 he came out to feed the animals. He first fed Pearl (cat) as always and then came Babe (dog). It just seems like every time he is supposed to feed Babe, J makes her wait!!! I DON'T understand why. I left the kitchen and came back to find J gone and NOT feeding Babe!!! J was wanting to BBQ b/c he was wanting to help with cooking of the ribs we were having for dinner. When I didn't see J making an effort to feed Babe, I went ahead and took over the task at hand. I wasn't going to be waiting for J to feed Babe for whatever reason. So I got the dry food and came back into the kitchen and that was when J grabbed for the dog bowl. I told him to let go, I got it and I am going to feed Babe! He of course didn't and we got into it. He stood close and go into my face and I told him to not be in my face!!! I pushed him away b/c he was in my face!!! Then when I looked into the frig to see if there was a can of dog food J ran into the garage to get the can I need to feed the dog. I went out there to get the can from him and he wouldn't give it to me so I threw my spoon that I had in my hand at him. He wanted to take over but I refused to let him do b/c it wasn't the issue of feeding the dog it was that he decided to NOT feed her when I asked him to from the beginning.
Here we go again!!! WHY CAN'T HE JUST DO WHAT I ASK HIM TO DO WHEN I ASK IT!!! WHY DO EVERYTHING HAS TO BE ON HIS TERMS B/C HE WON'T BE DOING IT!!! Oh Gosh!!!
I just want to either KILL MYSELF or run away!!! either one is good!!!
Monday, August 19, 2013
3 kind words a day!
August 19, 2013
So my challenge from my girlfriend is that I'm supposed to say 3 kind words a day!!! Well actually that started this past weekend and I've failed since day one! I'm trying VERY hard to say kind words but come one J doesn't make it any easier. I when he does stupid stuff such as crawl through the DOG DOOR and the next thing I hear is "ow". What am I supposed to think!!! My thinking is that if he didn't crawl through the dog door in the first place he wouldn't have hurt himself in the second place. Amazing how that works out. The other thing is that if he listened to me in the first place maybe we wouldn't be fighting in the second place. You know I have thought that a lot of these arguments were b/c of me but now I know that it is NOT me and it's all him b/c if he would just do what I ask him to do then we would be smooth sailing from here.
Like now, he's taking a test and he's so drama!!! He's put his head on the table and dropped his pencil and I waited for him to pick it up off the floor. So I waited and waited and waited. Finally I had to say "three, two, one." Finally at "two" he picked up his pencil and he's not exactly focusing on his test. You see when I correct it and if there is a problem that's wrong then he'll blame me b/c he didn't know it or something else or I didn't help him etc. He says that he wants responsibility but yet he's not taking responsibility for his own actions and won't EVER say he is wrong especially when I prove him wrong. He'll say it's someone else's fault or I didn't do that etc. So how can I give him MORE responsibility when he won't be responsible for his own stuff FIRST!!!
Back to kind words!!! You know I'm homeschooling him AGAIN this year!!! I already regret my decision b/c I know how it's going to be. Arguing EVERY DAY and telling him to give his quarter b/c he's a minute late, don't yell at me etc. He tells me he's not going to do that but I don't believe that one for a second. As a matter of fact, I don't believe anything he tells me at any given moment b/c I ask him what he's doing and he says, "nothing." To me if it's "nothing" then you're doing something wrong and you don't want to tell me what you're doing b/c if you did then you would get in trouble for what you're NOT supposed to be doing! So how often does he lie!?! quite a bit. He tells me he doesn't do that either!!! To me a lie is a lie not matter how you look at it. No wonder I don't believe him in anything he says.
Yesterday at church, it really hit me hard. Maybe b/c I was feeling guilty on what I've been saying to him lately. Calling him names (bad ones) but that's what is on my mind. I calls it as I sees it!! That's my motto. I know God it's a terrible one. But you those parents that talk about how much they love their kids and they are spending time with them having a great time. Not me. I don't love my kid and I hate him and I don't like to spend time with him. That's why I don't like to be in the same room with him or do anything with him b/c I hate him! I know "hate" is a strong word but I think it sums it up pretty well. I don't know any other word for it but that! I do hate him and I don't even know what loving a child is all about. IDK, maybe it was never my own and never bonded with him or something. I feel like a long life baby sitter and that I wish I could give him back anytime and live the life I had before he came. I know, it's that old saying, "be careful what you pray for." I know I didn't ask for a normal kid or a kid that didn't have anything wrong or anything. All I asked for was a kid. Shame on me for not asking specifically what I was wanting. The only thing I sum up J is that he's a walking A**hole!!! He just has that attitude of an A**hole!! IDK why but he just fits in that mold. I know it's mean but it's true. It's not nice I know to express my thoughts but I can't help myself. He brings out the worst in me.
Like right now, I don't get it! He's moans and groans and yawns and makes noise. I'm trying not to react b/c if I do then he wins. There are times I know that he does things on purpose just to piss me off. The sad thing is I fall for it every single time. Right now he was doing something and not focusing on his test and I look at him and he says "what." So much for our talk yesterday. Like I said to him. Nothing gets resolved b/c it keeps happening RIGHT after we talk about it and he does the SAME thing AGAIN w/o fail. That's why there is no resolution to our arguments and then moments later he comes over to ask us for a hug when we are still stewing over what started the argument and he's been over it for a while now. It's like a "hit and run" situation. J hits us and he runs and never looks back on how many times he has hurt us. So when he tries to do something for us we don't say thank you or anything. This is part of the Aspergers. Kids/people with that don't know how to feel or are aware they have done something to anyone and not that they don't care it's just they are not aware of what they are doing to those people. They don't see the "dead" bodies that are left on the side of the road. Unfortunately, the care takers or parents that have kids like this or adults that like that have to be able to forgive and move on. It's so hard to do that when you're constantly being run over.
Well, another argument just happened. He was unfocused on his work and I told him that he CAN run!! Well, start at the beginning. I make him run a few laps to help with his unfocused attitude and to help him get exercise. So since he was unfocused I made him run a few laps. So he says he "can't do it" b/c he hasn't run much or done much in exercise this whole summer and therefore he can't continuously run a 1/4 of mile w/o being winded!! So he keeps telling me "he can't" and then I said "you're right". I agree with you you can't do it. Then when I tell him that he can't he says why are saying that. I'm only repeating what he just said! Is he not aware of what he says???? OMG!!! And he gets mad at me for repeating what he says. He tells me that I support him. You know he doesn't realize or is aware that I'm ALWAYS in his corner to be there for him and help him with whatever he needs me to do. And all I get is being yelled at or tell me that I start the fights or I do it b/c I like to argue. I get so sick of being this bad person that I have not be myself to be a good person.
I'm ending this argument by leaving. Good bye!
So my challenge from my girlfriend is that I'm supposed to say 3 kind words a day!!! Well actually that started this past weekend and I've failed since day one! I'm trying VERY hard to say kind words but come one J doesn't make it any easier. I when he does stupid stuff such as crawl through the DOG DOOR and the next thing I hear is "ow". What am I supposed to think!!! My thinking is that if he didn't crawl through the dog door in the first place he wouldn't have hurt himself in the second place. Amazing how that works out. The other thing is that if he listened to me in the first place maybe we wouldn't be fighting in the second place. You know I have thought that a lot of these arguments were b/c of me but now I know that it is NOT me and it's all him b/c if he would just do what I ask him to do then we would be smooth sailing from here.
Like now, he's taking a test and he's so drama!!! He's put his head on the table and dropped his pencil and I waited for him to pick it up off the floor. So I waited and waited and waited. Finally I had to say "three, two, one." Finally at "two" he picked up his pencil and he's not exactly focusing on his test. You see when I correct it and if there is a problem that's wrong then he'll blame me b/c he didn't know it or something else or I didn't help him etc. He says that he wants responsibility but yet he's not taking responsibility for his own actions and won't EVER say he is wrong especially when I prove him wrong. He'll say it's someone else's fault or I didn't do that etc. So how can I give him MORE responsibility when he won't be responsible for his own stuff FIRST!!!
Back to kind words!!! You know I'm homeschooling him AGAIN this year!!! I already regret my decision b/c I know how it's going to be. Arguing EVERY DAY and telling him to give his quarter b/c he's a minute late, don't yell at me etc. He tells me he's not going to do that but I don't believe that one for a second. As a matter of fact, I don't believe anything he tells me at any given moment b/c I ask him what he's doing and he says, "nothing." To me if it's "nothing" then you're doing something wrong and you don't want to tell me what you're doing b/c if you did then you would get in trouble for what you're NOT supposed to be doing! So how often does he lie!?! quite a bit. He tells me he doesn't do that either!!! To me a lie is a lie not matter how you look at it. No wonder I don't believe him in anything he says.
Yesterday at church, it really hit me hard. Maybe b/c I was feeling guilty on what I've been saying to him lately. Calling him names (bad ones) but that's what is on my mind. I calls it as I sees it!! That's my motto. I know God it's a terrible one. But you those parents that talk about how much they love their kids and they are spending time with them having a great time. Not me. I don't love my kid and I hate him and I don't like to spend time with him. That's why I don't like to be in the same room with him or do anything with him b/c I hate him! I know "hate" is a strong word but I think it sums it up pretty well. I don't know any other word for it but that! I do hate him and I don't even know what loving a child is all about. IDK, maybe it was never my own and never bonded with him or something. I feel like a long life baby sitter and that I wish I could give him back anytime and live the life I had before he came. I know, it's that old saying, "be careful what you pray for." I know I didn't ask for a normal kid or a kid that didn't have anything wrong or anything. All I asked for was a kid. Shame on me for not asking specifically what I was wanting. The only thing I sum up J is that he's a walking A**hole!!! He just has that attitude of an A**hole!! IDK why but he just fits in that mold. I know it's mean but it's true. It's not nice I know to express my thoughts but I can't help myself. He brings out the worst in me.
Like right now, I don't get it! He's moans and groans and yawns and makes noise. I'm trying not to react b/c if I do then he wins. There are times I know that he does things on purpose just to piss me off. The sad thing is I fall for it every single time. Right now he was doing something and not focusing on his test and I look at him and he says "what." So much for our talk yesterday. Like I said to him. Nothing gets resolved b/c it keeps happening RIGHT after we talk about it and he does the SAME thing AGAIN w/o fail. That's why there is no resolution to our arguments and then moments later he comes over to ask us for a hug when we are still stewing over what started the argument and he's been over it for a while now. It's like a "hit and run" situation. J hits us and he runs and never looks back on how many times he has hurt us. So when he tries to do something for us we don't say thank you or anything. This is part of the Aspergers. Kids/people with that don't know how to feel or are aware they have done something to anyone and not that they don't care it's just they are not aware of what they are doing to those people. They don't see the "dead" bodies that are left on the side of the road. Unfortunately, the care takers or parents that have kids like this or adults that like that have to be able to forgive and move on. It's so hard to do that when you're constantly being run over.
Well, another argument just happened. He was unfocused on his work and I told him that he CAN run!! Well, start at the beginning. I make him run a few laps to help with his unfocused attitude and to help him get exercise. So since he was unfocused I made him run a few laps. So he says he "can't do it" b/c he hasn't run much or done much in exercise this whole summer and therefore he can't continuously run a 1/4 of mile w/o being winded!! So he keeps telling me "he can't" and then I said "you're right". I agree with you you can't do it. Then when I tell him that he can't he says why are saying that. I'm only repeating what he just said! Is he not aware of what he says???? OMG!!! And he gets mad at me for repeating what he says. He tells me that I support him. You know he doesn't realize or is aware that I'm ALWAYS in his corner to be there for him and help him with whatever he needs me to do. And all I get is being yelled at or tell me that I start the fights or I do it b/c I like to argue. I get so sick of being this bad person that I have not be myself to be a good person.
I'm ending this argument by leaving. Good bye!
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