Christmas Eve

Well, it's Monday, December 24th and it's starting like a typical morning.  It was nice and quiet until Jeremiah gets up and the bear is out of his cave.  It's him waking up in a bad mood this time and you know what, "it's MY (mom's) fault."  Yes folks, he blamed ME being in a bad mood on me.  You know I sometimes love to take credit on some of the things I do but I think this time he needs to take responsibility for this one.  Besides, I'm really not sure why he's angry.  I think it's because I told him to change back the cereal bowl rather than the soup bowl.  Which I'm really not sure what the difference in size would be except that the soup bowl he had was taller than the cereal bowl.  But it's actually the same! But I'm not going to tell him that!!! He wouldn't listen to me anyways.  So GOOD MORNING everyone and it's a Monday!!! It doesn't matter if its Christmas Eve or anything.  So I've resolved to not speaking to Jeremiah until we need to leave or to remind him on what he needs to do.  Although he knows what he needs to do every morning b/c he has a check list that I've made for him on tasks that he needs to do. But YET he still needs help in doing that list.  I'm trying very hard to separate two issues. Even his psychologist says it's not him.  But when a child is 11 yrs old, aren't the issues one of the same? The question you have probably is, "what are the issues at hand?" Well, he has ADHD, Anxiety (just recently diagnosed) and Aspergers Syndrome. Now if you've worked with a person with that and then some please include me on what I can do to defuse his anger.  I think his anger is the really big issue these days.  I feel I'm trying and my husband isn't.  Actually let me rephrase that.  I feel that my husband is not trying very hard b/c he doesn't know how to handle him and so he starts walking away from certain issues.  Oh yeah, on top of all this I'm out of work, and my husband is out of work.  PLUS I'm homeschooling Jeremiah as well.  Well, with all this going I think that homeschooling is out of the question next year.  I think he would do much better in regular school than at home.  I think he needs to be around kids his own age.  I'm not sure what I think about the disrespect that he has for women.  Maybe I've screwed that up to where he doesn't like women.  He's already told people that women are weak and their job is to cook, clean and do whatever else that needs to be done around the house. I mean, what do you do with that comment??? How do you teach a kid that doesn't really feel anything about anything to not say stuff like that.  I mean who loves someone like that, outside of God.  See now I'm bringing God into the picture.  You see God loves all His children.  And I don't know if He loves me.  I've done and said bad stuff to my kid.  I'm not exactly proud of it but IDK, it's something I would say to adults when I'm really mad at them but an 11 yr old.  I feel 11 yrs old when I yell at him.  I'm trying not to stoop to his level and trying to be the adult but that's not exactly working.  Maybe I should have just took us off the list when we were thinking of it.  Then our life would be SO different.  Speaking of that, actually I KNOW our life would be different if we would have stayed where we were on Hersholt!  Yes, that's where the downfall of the husband and wife started.  It all started with this lady (not going to name her). But he actually started listening to her.  I told him I didn't want to move and I wanted to stay in that house.  Well, obviously he didn't listen to me and he went ahead with what he wanted to do w/o any regard what I was saying.  See, he was going on the pretense that things were going to be going well if he did this or make more money.  See the LOVE of money is the downfall of man.  If "man" would stop LOVING money and start looking to what they have then they would be much happier.  Like now being Christmas Eve, Wade puts something on his fb page and then does the opposite on what he says.  I don't get it.  He states that he is grateful for the things we have, family, friends and a place to stay, food in our bellies etc. but when I mention that we go to socialize he says no.  So I don't get that.  If you're so grateful on what you have or who you have in your life you would want to be with them and celebrate the season with them, RIGHT??? So if you don't really mean what you say on FB then why say it??? To me that's just a bunch of BS and you're wasting time and effort.  Doesn't he realize that I'm going through the EXACT same thing he's going through.  Oh but it's different b/c he's the man!!! And that means what????? Yes I believe that the MAN is the head of the household and GOD is the head of the Man but when man isn't doing what God has put him in charge to do I'm not sure what you would call that.  It also says in the Bible that we're supposed to making decisions together and the man makes the ultimate decision.  When we left the Hersholt house I wasn't in agreement of that decision.  Therefore, he didn't do what he was to do from God.  At least that's how I perceive the scripture. 

Anyways, now that I have both men mad at me I don't really care what happens this holiday season.  I'm really at a point to bail out of this marriage.  I think that's the FIRST time I have ever thought about that.  When you're constantly being told it's my fault by my kid and it's incinuated by your husband it's hard to take after a while.  Anyways, I'm done.  Take care everyone and have a Merry Christmas and a happy new year.

High Anxiety

Thursday, Dec. 20th

Have you ever known someone or you yourself with high anxiety?  I mean the point to where you can't let something go until you have had closure or at least some kind of ending? I haven't until now.  My 11 yr old has anxiety (I didn't realize it was catagorized as that) but now I know.  I'm not one to understand it or deal with it but I'm trying.  If you're dealing with the person yourself or through someone that has a friend it's trying to the attitude and to the person.  It wears you out and it makes you feel that you have been put through the ringer!!! I try not to yell at Jeremiah or scream at him but he doesn't make it easy. He has been working on his Christmas list to Santa Claus since LAST WEEK!  Plus the things on it it probably won't be obtained.  Jeremiah is so FIXATED on the the list he's crying on finishing it!!! Ugh!!!

If you have any ideas on how to deal with or have dealt with someone with anxiety PLEASE give me some pointers on how to deal with them.

Today we had to start school later this afternoon.  We actually helped at the food bank where my MIL attends church and is head of the food bank.  It was good and bad at the same time.  You know when someone is either talking about you or they're talking about someone when they whisper to someone else something and they change it to where they are not talking about someone (that's what they said).  I don't like that! That's just so stupid! These ladies may not like the way the MIL runs things but if they don't like it then they step up and run the department! They shouldn't be talking if they aren't willing to manage the department. Stupid.  I hate people like that! Ugh!!!

Many thoughts

Today is Wednesday, Dec. 19, 2012.  It's been a while since I last jotted down my thoughts.  A few things have happened since I last wrote.  It started out on Dec. 5th - Dec. 12th flying out to New Mexico.  Oh that was so much fun.  I mean I didn't really do anything, besides , I got sick from my own husband, Wade Holland.  He started out getting a sore throat on Monday and then got sick on Tuesday.  When I arrived it hasn't really gotten to him but by Thursday it sunk in.  So I made him got to the store with me and then we got some good night time cold medicine b/c the stuff he was taking wasn't working out at all.  So he took his medicine and lounged around on Thursday and when he woke up on Friday he was ready to go and we cranked it out on Friday.  But Saturday, I was feeling sickly and we didn't do anything.  So we went to Santa Fe and looked around there in a tourist trap and had a fairly good time.  We were only there for a couple of hours and came back to the house.  Then we hung around saturday night and had a good nights sleep and worked on Sunday.  Sunday was great because we worked and it SNOWED!!! Oh that was the best.  It was so great to see it progress from snow flurries to snow flakes!!! We had gone outside and it was freakin' cold!!! lol!!! Anyways, it was fun and beautiful.  But when it was time to come home I DIDN'T WANT TO COME HOME!!! I wanted to stay there for another week or maybe forever.  Is it bad that I want to be away from my "life".........okay from my kid??!!!

Speaking of my kid, I'm trying to not react to his outbursts and I know it's not him.  Like I told to his psychologist, Dr. Feldman, it's hard to separate the boy from the issue at hand. I've told the psychologist that he gets so upset at the littlest things.  I.e. his alarm clock "NOT" going off when it was supposed to and he started banging and getting mad at that and couldn't let it go.  He suggested that we do CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy).  I hope when I do call that I can get that started soon.  I need him to start learning how to defuse himself w/o assistance.  I don't know what I could do.  He yells at me even more when I talk to him in a calm matter.  I wish I could always talk to him in that manner.  I think I did pretty good and commend myself in holding my anger.  Well, until he kept going and going and going and not letting it go until he was thrashing things around and THAT really got me angry!!! I let him have it and finally told him that I'm yelling at you b/c you started the whole thing by him getting angry at the alarm clock.  So when I screamed at him like that his attitude changed and his facial expression changed.  It's sad that I have to go that far to get his attention and to get his attitude changed.  It's not that I feel bad that I yelled at him, I actually felt better after I yelled at him.

You know the other thing I don't understand is being taken as a fool! I'm one for helping family, no matter what you've done, but to put someone in the middle of this drama is the other thing. It's disturbing when you are told one thing and you hear another.  I'm not quite sure what to think about that one.  Why go through all this to tell ME to get you on your side? Why not just leave me out of it and just ask me for help!??? I don't get it.  It's not my family that has an issue with things from the past. 

Anyways, I think I got everything out that I needed. Thanks for listening.

Disappointing Day/No School

Have you ever had one of those days when you were excited about going somewhere to meet new people only to find out that no one showed up at the place where you were supposed to meet and when you call your contact they don't call you back? Well that's EXACTLY what happened to me today.  I'm trying to meet a homeschooled group called V-Cheo but everytime I try to meet them it's either a holiday or like today no one showed up! I don't get it.  I even called the person who told me about this group and SHE hasn't even called me back!!! WTH! I'm wondering if I should keep trying to meet this group or not.  I mean, this is my second time trying to meet this group.  The FIRST time was last month and they usually meet the 2nd and 4th Thursday of every month.  Well, when I was told about it it was on Halloween and I couldn't go to the first meeting in November b/c the girl that told me about this group was going away with them to Colorado so they wouldn't be meeting.  The next time they would be meeting was on the 22nd of November.  I didn't realize that the 22nd just so happen to be on Thanksgiving and so I called the girl and confirmed to see if they were going to meet and of course the answer was no.  So I told her I would meet them next month, which is today! Of course I was looking forward to meeting this group b/c from what I hear they do co-ops and a lot of other things.  But today, no one showed up to where we were supposed to meet b/c since today it was raining I was told they meet at a church.  I'm not so sure about this group anymore.  I know it was disappointing to the boy b/c I know he wants to meet other kids his age to play with or just to meet.  I don't blame him.  So now we have to wait for the 4th Thursday.  Or maybe I shouldn't even try on that 4th Thursday.  Now watch, the day I DON'T go meet this group is when they will get together! Ugh!! IDK, it's just agrivating!!!!

It was especially a good day for the boy b/c he didn't have school today! I could have gone home from not meeting anyone today and started school but I didn't.  I did some errands and looked at some crafting stores (no I didn't buy anything).  Then went to the store and came home.  It was a good day.  So what does the kid do? Nothing!!! I mean he depends on me to entertain him!!! That's just silly.  (I wanted to use other words but can't). Anyways, I better not say anymore to where I might say something I shouldn't. Take care everyone and thanks for reading.

Sage Advice

Has anyone given you some advice, whether it was from a stranger or from a friend?  When I say a friend, I mean a friend that you're comfortable with from taking those harsh words and the truth from.  I got just that from a friend whom I've known for a VERY long time. How about conformation on your feelings?  I received that as well from another friend.  I love it!!  I ask that because I got some sage advice from a friend whom I'll name "Lynn."  (Not her real name). If you're reading this "Lynn" you'll know who you are. lol!!! Anyways back to what my main body of the blog.  Sorry, the English teacher is coming out.  lol!!!

Well, the sage advice came to me when there were 3 high school friends that have stayed that way and tried to get together as much as possible but sometimes couldn't due to life that gets in the way, got together for dinner.  As we were talking (not all at once) "Lynn" says to me to be careful when I'm blogging about a particular someone.  Well, at first I was a little miffed (sp?) about it but that's just me! Then when I actually stopped and thought about it, she's right!!! (I hate it when she's right).  What I don't want is to have something come back to bite me in the "butt."  Because haven't you wrote something on FB and forgot to tell that particular person and they find out from someone else?  Know trust me, when my kid gets to an age to where he will be getting his own FB page (not too far away) he will be either reading or requesting to be my friend and he might find out something that I've written maybe by someone else and not by me.  I love how both girls listened to me and gave me suggestions and advice.  So I will TAKE the suggestions they gave me and put it to practice.  For those that KNOW me and my "story" I'm definitely needing the suggestions and advice.

So thank you friend.  I appreciate it very much and thanks for caring about me. 

Introduction to Blogging

Well, since this is my FIRST blog that I thought I would write, actually it was recommended that I blog to clear my head and to have an out for my feelings. I do want to thank that person to recommend this b/c I know this will help. I just realized that I've been blogging for a while now but just didn't know it.  If anything expell (sp?) some of my frustration that I'm going through.  I'm sure I'm not the ONLY one going through what I'm going through.  I'm living the life of what it's like now-a-days.  I'm two years of being unemployed and my husband too but he's 6 months behind.  I'm currently homeschooling my 11 year old son whom has been diagnosed with ADHD and Aspergers.  Now with that combination it's difficult to homeschool child with these issues.  I've been struggling with the "issues" at hand and with homeschooling.  When DS (darling son) WAS in regular school he was doing fine.  He was thriving and making friends.  He actually had two friends that stuck since he was in kindergarten at a private school he had attended.  But unfortunately we had to pull him out of the private school and put him into public school.  Now just know, I have nothing against the public school system.  I'm a prodigy of the system. 

But anyways, I guess I've said enough.  Don't worry I have LOTS to say.  Thanks for reading.