Christmas Eve

Well, it's Monday, December 24th and it's starting like a typical morning.  It was nice and quiet until Jeremiah gets up and the bear is out of his cave.  It's him waking up in a bad mood this time and you know what, "it's MY (mom's) fault."  Yes folks, he blamed ME being in a bad mood on me.  You know I sometimes love to take credit on some of the things I do but I think this time he needs to take responsibility for this one.  Besides, I'm really not sure why he's angry.  I think it's because I told him to change back the cereal bowl rather than the soup bowl.  Which I'm really not sure what the difference in size would be except that the soup bowl he had was taller than the cereal bowl.  But it's actually the same! But I'm not going to tell him that!!! He wouldn't listen to me anyways.  So GOOD MORNING everyone and it's a Monday!!! It doesn't matter if its Christmas Eve or anything.  So I've resolved to not speaking to Jeremiah until we need to leave or to remind him on what he needs to do.  Although he knows what he needs to do every morning b/c he has a check list that I've made for him on tasks that he needs to do. But YET he still needs help in doing that list.  I'm trying very hard to separate two issues. Even his psychologist says it's not him.  But when a child is 11 yrs old, aren't the issues one of the same? The question you have probably is, "what are the issues at hand?" Well, he has ADHD, Anxiety (just recently diagnosed) and Aspergers Syndrome. Now if you've worked with a person with that and then some please include me on what I can do to defuse his anger.  I think his anger is the really big issue these days.  I feel I'm trying and my husband isn't.  Actually let me rephrase that.  I feel that my husband is not trying very hard b/c he doesn't know how to handle him and so he starts walking away from certain issues.  Oh yeah, on top of all this I'm out of work, and my husband is out of work.  PLUS I'm homeschooling Jeremiah as well.  Well, with all this going I think that homeschooling is out of the question next year.  I think he would do much better in regular school than at home.  I think he needs to be around kids his own age.  I'm not sure what I think about the disrespect that he has for women.  Maybe I've screwed that up to where he doesn't like women.  He's already told people that women are weak and their job is to cook, clean and do whatever else that needs to be done around the house. I mean, what do you do with that comment??? How do you teach a kid that doesn't really feel anything about anything to not say stuff like that.  I mean who loves someone like that, outside of God.  See now I'm bringing God into the picture.  You see God loves all His children.  And I don't know if He loves me.  I've done and said bad stuff to my kid.  I'm not exactly proud of it but IDK, it's something I would say to adults when I'm really mad at them but an 11 yr old.  I feel 11 yrs old when I yell at him.  I'm trying not to stoop to his level and trying to be the adult but that's not exactly working.  Maybe I should have just took us off the list when we were thinking of it.  Then our life would be SO different.  Speaking of that, actually I KNOW our life would be different if we would have stayed where we were on Hersholt!  Yes, that's where the downfall of the husband and wife started.  It all started with this lady (not going to name her). But he actually started listening to her.  I told him I didn't want to move and I wanted to stay in that house.  Well, obviously he didn't listen to me and he went ahead with what he wanted to do w/o any regard what I was saying.  See, he was going on the pretense that things were going to be going well if he did this or make more money.  See the LOVE of money is the downfall of man.  If "man" would stop LOVING money and start looking to what they have then they would be much happier.  Like now being Christmas Eve, Wade puts something on his fb page and then does the opposite on what he says.  I don't get it.  He states that he is grateful for the things we have, family, friends and a place to stay, food in our bellies etc. but when I mention that we go to socialize he says no.  So I don't get that.  If you're so grateful on what you have or who you have in your life you would want to be with them and celebrate the season with them, RIGHT??? So if you don't really mean what you say on FB then why say it??? To me that's just a bunch of BS and you're wasting time and effort.  Doesn't he realize that I'm going through the EXACT same thing he's going through.  Oh but it's different b/c he's the man!!! And that means what????? Yes I believe that the MAN is the head of the household and GOD is the head of the Man but when man isn't doing what God has put him in charge to do I'm not sure what you would call that.  It also says in the Bible that we're supposed to making decisions together and the man makes the ultimate decision.  When we left the Hersholt house I wasn't in agreement of that decision.  Therefore, he didn't do what he was to do from God.  At least that's how I perceive the scripture. 

Anyways, now that I have both men mad at me I don't really care what happens this holiday season.  I'm really at a point to bail out of this marriage.  I think that's the FIRST time I have ever thought about that.  When you're constantly being told it's my fault by my kid and it's incinuated by your husband it's hard to take after a while.  Anyways, I'm done.  Take care everyone and have a Merry Christmas and a happy new year.