December 18, 2013
Well from my last post in November nothing much has changed except.......well, actually really nothing. I'm still or MORE bitter than I was before. It amazes me that J STILL doesn't take responsibility for his actions and according to Dr. E we're supposed to let him do or complete his task AFTER J decides when he is done with what he wants even though he didn't complete the task in the first place. It was Tuesday, December 17, 2013 when the argument started. I noticed that J cleaned out the litter box but I noticed some litter on the floor that he DIDN'T sweep up. So I asked him if he has swept the floor when he cleaned the litter box and he said NO! So I asked him to come sweep the floor to complete your task and of course he said OK, I'll do it AFTER I finish my bible study. I said, "No come do it and complete your task." J says, "I will AFTER I finish my Bible Study." So we get into it and I leave the house for the time being until we need to go to Dr. E for his therapy session.
Therapy session: I thought it was a good day for J to have a session by himself with Dr. E. So J tells Dr. E about our encounter this morning and J presents it in a way that it's my fault. So, Dr. E. talks with J and after he talks with J, Dr. E asks me to come in and talk with him. So I sit and talk with Dr. E and Dr. E tells me that I could have or should have waited for J to finish his Bible Study rather than get into it with J. THEN I'm supposed to talk with J about doing the COMPLETE task done in one task rather than in two phases. I asked Dr. E, " do you know HOW many times we have talked to him about the SAME thing? MANY times!!!" "Why should I have to wait for him to complete what HE wants to do rather than have him do what I ask him to do?" But Dr. E. wants me to have waited for him to finish his Bible Study THEN go sweep the floor. I GUARANTEE that he would have forgotten like normal.
Well, I guess this is why our house in an upheaval b/c J IS the head of the household rather than him being the child and he's SUPPOSED to be honoring the parents like what GOD has commanded him to do. But I guess the rules don't apply to J at all!!! So until J obeys what God says we will never have peace in the household. LOL, and it's funny that he tells Dr. E that he wants peace and harmony in the family. Well to have peace and harmony in the family, J needs to obey and honor the parents in the family but J doesn't realize that J IS going against what he is reading in the Bible everyday!!! He's going against what he says in the Boy Scout Law weekly.
But that's just me!! I'm just saying.
Monday, January 6, 2014
Sunday, November 10, 2013
Sad, Angered and bitter
November 10, 2013
So a lot has transpired since my last entry. I decided to homeschool J AGAINST the better judgment of W. First off let me just say that was already a bad idea. I know! But to give J a SECOND chance I thought I would do the nice motherly thing (not sure Godly thing) but none the less Motherly thing and homeschool J. So I thought I would advise J on Monday, Nov. 4th during school and let him know that I stuck my neck out for you so don't mess up. Listen to what I ask you to do, on and off of school and we will continue to homeschool. Tuesday, Nov. 5th we go to Dr. E and advise him that I decided I was going to continue to homeschool him and Dr. E. says to J to not mess it up and to pick your battles. Dr. E even said that the things that we have come in to discuss that we have been arguing about has been little things and don't really need to be arguing about. So we get done with that and go home and J gets a snack and he sits on the couch to eat it. I ask him (nicely) to please go eat your snack at the table and he says NO! So we argue about that and I told him say "that's it. I'm submitting the school application tomorrow." J says, "no you won't." Me, "today." J runs outside after me and stands in front of the car do so I won't be able to get in the car. So of course he says it's my fault b/c (J says) I don't care. Then J says (after going back and forth explaining to him it's not my fault) that "I don't like you." J says that we don't trust him. I explained it him that we trusted him when he sat on the couch with a bag of Cheetoes and when he got up off of the couch he had a bunch of crumbs on the couch and so we made him clean it up so he could see what we are talking about. I tried to explain it him that we trusted him and look where that go us. Of course, nothing is his fault.
At first I was/am ANGRY, HURT, BITTER and anymore other adjectives that I could think of. Lord I pray that You help me with my heart. I know that You work on the heart and You look at the heart. Soften my heart to where You want it to be and have me to love this child b/c there must be a reason why you placed him in our house. Give me understanding, patience and strength as we go through this difficult time in his tweens. Please Lord soften his heart to be open to our teachings. Work on his heart to help him to be open to Your teachings and work.
I pray this all in Your name Amen.
So a lot has transpired since my last entry. I decided to homeschool J AGAINST the better judgment of W. First off let me just say that was already a bad idea. I know! But to give J a SECOND chance I thought I would do the nice motherly thing (not sure Godly thing) but none the less Motherly thing and homeschool J. So I thought I would advise J on Monday, Nov. 4th during school and let him know that I stuck my neck out for you so don't mess up. Listen to what I ask you to do, on and off of school and we will continue to homeschool. Tuesday, Nov. 5th we go to Dr. E and advise him that I decided I was going to continue to homeschool him and Dr. E. says to J to not mess it up and to pick your battles. Dr. E even said that the things that we have come in to discuss that we have been arguing about has been little things and don't really need to be arguing about. So we get done with that and go home and J gets a snack and he sits on the couch to eat it. I ask him (nicely) to please go eat your snack at the table and he says NO! So we argue about that and I told him say "that's it. I'm submitting the school application tomorrow." J says, "no you won't." Me, "today." J runs outside after me and stands in front of the car do so I won't be able to get in the car. So of course he says it's my fault b/c (J says) I don't care. Then J says (after going back and forth explaining to him it's not my fault) that "I don't like you." J says that we don't trust him. I explained it him that we trusted him when he sat on the couch with a bag of Cheetoes and when he got up off of the couch he had a bunch of crumbs on the couch and so we made him clean it up so he could see what we are talking about. I tried to explain it him that we trusted him and look where that go us. Of course, nothing is his fault.
At first I was/am ANGRY, HURT, BITTER and anymore other adjectives that I could think of. Lord I pray that You help me with my heart. I know that You work on the heart and You look at the heart. Soften my heart to where You want it to be and have me to love this child b/c there must be a reason why you placed him in our house. Give me understanding, patience and strength as we go through this difficult time in his tweens. Please Lord soften his heart to be open to our teachings. Work on his heart to help him to be open to Your teachings and work.
I pray this all in Your name Amen.
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Riddle Me this..........
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Riddle me this Batman!!! Sorry I couldn't help it. I had to ask that question!!! Picture this scenario.....your kid comes up to you to ask you about if he could have his electronics back. The father says no b/c it's not done with the two (2) weeks punishment. The father and son discuss the issues of the punishment and father says that tonight (Wednesday) after midnight you are able to watch and get your electronics back. Then father says to son......"since this is the last game of the world series why don't you watch the baseball game?" WTH!!!! You just let him watch t.v. (restriction from) after you JUST said that you're not allowed to have electronics!!!! I don't get it!!! Does that not make sense at all or is it just me? IDK.
Riddle me this Batman!!! Sorry I couldn't help it. I had to ask that question!!! Picture this scenario.....your kid comes up to you to ask you about if he could have his electronics back. The father says no b/c it's not done with the two (2) weeks punishment. The father and son discuss the issues of the punishment and father says that tonight (Wednesday) after midnight you are able to watch and get your electronics back. Then father says to son......"since this is the last game of the world series why don't you watch the baseball game?" WTH!!!! You just let him watch t.v. (restriction from) after you JUST said that you're not allowed to have electronics!!!! I don't get it!!! Does that not make sense at all or is it just me? IDK.
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Not happy for a while
Tuesday, October 2, 2013
Well, I think the homeschooling has finally come to an end. These past few days have been TERRIBLE!!!! I understand about the testosterone flowing threw someone but MAN is this really bad this time. I don't know where the disrespect comes from or where he can get the idea that he can stand up to me or to his father. I don't get it. So at this time the homeschooling is no longer healthy for the two of us, that family or the house. It would be nice to send him off to school if we had a good school district to or school to send him to. The schools out here are TERRIBLE. They have gangs that form in the school and there are a lot of fights that happen. Now IDK whether the fights start from the kids I know to survive but that still doesn't make it right. I'm saddened by this b/c I really enjoy homeschooling when you don't have a student that argues with you about doing the work or doing the work in a timely manner. The words that are said are hurtful and when you have a student that says things that are hurtful (plus you have a child that doesn't FEEL they are hurtful) it is hard to homeschool. My heart cries out for you God. I pray that you would soften my heart. Take away this burden from my heart that I have turn it into Your goodness and love. Have me to love my son the way You love him. Show me that I can love him like You. How DO I love the unloveable? The way I look at it is I pray that this school change would turn out to be a good thing. I hope he soars higher than he did when I was homeschooling him. I hope he likes what he is doing and thrives on wanting to do more. I pray that he is eager to do what he needs to do and that he can keep up. Lord pour Your love upon to this household. We are in desperate need of Your kindness, love and grace. Hold this family together as You want it to be. Take these dark thoughts from my head. Pour Your grace and wisdom upon me. Have me to be the light for J and have me to love him and not hate him. Have me NOT to regret my choice and have me to Thank God that we adopted him. I pray that You take J and You give him Your grace and Your wisdom. Have him to learn to love those that are not like him. Have to learn to make friends and keep them. Have him to run and play and have fun like other kids can do. Have to be broken and be obedient and honor the parents he has. Have to be grateful for the things You have provided for him. Have him to have hope love peace and joy.
I pray that You take away my dark thoughts. Take away the thoughts of suicide. Take away the thoughts of trying to figure out how I could do it w/o feeling the pain b/c I've been feeling too much pain for awhile. It's been so long since I've been or felt happy IDK what it is to be happy or to feel happy. Have those feelings come back to me and to this family. Have me to want to be part of this family. Have me to WANT to be a Mom. Have me to have a great experience in being a parent. I would like to have the relationship with my son.
Well, I think the homeschooling has finally come to an end. These past few days have been TERRIBLE!!!! I understand about the testosterone flowing threw someone but MAN is this really bad this time. I don't know where the disrespect comes from or where he can get the idea that he can stand up to me or to his father. I don't get it. So at this time the homeschooling is no longer healthy for the two of us, that family or the house. It would be nice to send him off to school if we had a good school district to or school to send him to. The schools out here are TERRIBLE. They have gangs that form in the school and there are a lot of fights that happen. Now IDK whether the fights start from the kids I know to survive but that still doesn't make it right. I'm saddened by this b/c I really enjoy homeschooling when you don't have a student that argues with you about doing the work or doing the work in a timely manner. The words that are said are hurtful and when you have a student that says things that are hurtful (plus you have a child that doesn't FEEL they are hurtful) it is hard to homeschool. My heart cries out for you God. I pray that you would soften my heart. Take away this burden from my heart that I have turn it into Your goodness and love. Have me to love my son the way You love him. Show me that I can love him like You. How DO I love the unloveable? The way I look at it is I pray that this school change would turn out to be a good thing. I hope he soars higher than he did when I was homeschooling him. I hope he likes what he is doing and thrives on wanting to do more. I pray that he is eager to do what he needs to do and that he can keep up. Lord pour Your love upon to this household. We are in desperate need of Your kindness, love and grace. Hold this family together as You want it to be. Take these dark thoughts from my head. Pour Your grace and wisdom upon me. Have me to be the light for J and have me to love him and not hate him. Have me NOT to regret my choice and have me to Thank God that we adopted him. I pray that You take J and You give him Your grace and Your wisdom. Have him to learn to love those that are not like him. Have to learn to make friends and keep them. Have him to run and play and have fun like other kids can do. Have to be broken and be obedient and honor the parents he has. Have to be grateful for the things You have provided for him. Have him to have hope love peace and joy.
I pray that You take away my dark thoughts. Take away the thoughts of suicide. Take away the thoughts of trying to figure out how I could do it w/o feeling the pain b/c I've been feeling too much pain for awhile. It's been so long since I've been or felt happy IDK what it is to be happy or to feel happy. Have those feelings come back to me and to this family. Have me to want to be part of this family. Have me to WANT to be a Mom. Have me to have a great experience in being a parent. I would like to have the relationship with my son.
Monday, October 7, 2013
Respect?
Monday, October 7, 2013
So J asks a question a few weeks back on what is respect? REALLY? He supposed to know that b/c we (or at least I do) try to teach him that so why would he be asking what that meant? It amazes me that J does not give me the respect that I deserve. All I ask is to have him do certain things and just do them w/o moaning, groaning, griping and complaining but he does. I don't really ask him to like jump off a tall building, or go run down to the store and buy groceries for me and walk home. I just want him to do as I ask w/o out anything or rolling of the eyes. I actually witness he can do it today. He actually go all his homework and work done by 3:30ish. I was very excited for him and I even complimented him on that. I give him time to watch t.v. and let him have a snack!!! I mean I could have so told him NO and be a total bitch about it.
I often wonder if I'm being too hard on him in trying to teach him to be a gentleman when he is totally incapable of being that. With having him have Aspergers the children don't exactly have feelings or understand about social manners or anything. So am I expecting too much or trying to teach the unteachable? I'm not sure.
It's been a while since I even said anything on FB b/c I get yelled at just by venting. I sometimes I just want to vent and get things off my chest. I sometimes feel that when I go to W I'm more of a sibling and telling on J than a mother that is concerned about rules? When he goes to bed I don't the motion like he's going to hug me like he does to GM or W but then again I don't motion to him either b/c I'm mad at him. I mean, he yells at me and then turns around to think everything is hunky dory and I'm supposed to forgive him for yelling at me and give him a hug? I don't think so!!! I'm sorry I can't forgive knowing I'm going to be yelled at soon or right after I forgive him. I get the yelling the most b/c W isn't involved with him that much. Only in scouts or maybe once a month at a camping trip or maybe on weekends. I look forward to the times when I'm not at home and by myself. I love it. I don't have to deal with him or talk to him. I try not to deal with him when I'm at home or react to his stuff that he says or does. I try to look the other way.
You know since I've started this blog. I actually have been feeling better and not coming on here to write with a sad or angry heart. Yes my heart is sad and hurt but it's different when I come on here. I feel like I'm talking to someone that understands me and listens to me and not judge me b/c I feel that sometimes W judges me on my parenting skills or my thought on why I do things.
But anyways, I thank you for listening. :D
So J asks a question a few weeks back on what is respect? REALLY? He supposed to know that b/c we (or at least I do) try to teach him that so why would he be asking what that meant? It amazes me that J does not give me the respect that I deserve. All I ask is to have him do certain things and just do them w/o moaning, groaning, griping and complaining but he does. I don't really ask him to like jump off a tall building, or go run down to the store and buy groceries for me and walk home. I just want him to do as I ask w/o out anything or rolling of the eyes. I actually witness he can do it today. He actually go all his homework and work done by 3:30ish. I was very excited for him and I even complimented him on that. I give him time to watch t.v. and let him have a snack!!! I mean I could have so told him NO and be a total bitch about it.
I often wonder if I'm being too hard on him in trying to teach him to be a gentleman when he is totally incapable of being that. With having him have Aspergers the children don't exactly have feelings or understand about social manners or anything. So am I expecting too much or trying to teach the unteachable? I'm not sure.
It's been a while since I even said anything on FB b/c I get yelled at just by venting. I sometimes I just want to vent and get things off my chest. I sometimes feel that when I go to W I'm more of a sibling and telling on J than a mother that is concerned about rules? When he goes to bed I don't the motion like he's going to hug me like he does to GM or W but then again I don't motion to him either b/c I'm mad at him. I mean, he yells at me and then turns around to think everything is hunky dory and I'm supposed to forgive him for yelling at me and give him a hug? I don't think so!!! I'm sorry I can't forgive knowing I'm going to be yelled at soon or right after I forgive him. I get the yelling the most b/c W isn't involved with him that much. Only in scouts or maybe once a month at a camping trip or maybe on weekends. I look forward to the times when I'm not at home and by myself. I love it. I don't have to deal with him or talk to him. I try not to deal with him when I'm at home or react to his stuff that he says or does. I try to look the other way.
You know since I've started this blog. I actually have been feeling better and not coming on here to write with a sad or angry heart. Yes my heart is sad and hurt but it's different when I come on here. I feel like I'm talking to someone that understands me and listens to me and not judge me b/c I feel that sometimes W judges me on my parenting skills or my thought on why I do things.
But anyways, I thank you for listening. :D
Friday, September 20, 2013
Feeling Trapped
September 20, 2013
Well, it's our FIRST official full week of school and we have fought EVERY DAY this week. Isn't that lovely!! Ugh!! You know you've had a long week when you can realize that you've fought everyday. The school just started and you want to kill yourself already. Oh wait, I've been wanting to kill myself for a while now!!!! It's sad that when you don't love your child as how other parents love their child. It just seems like I'm just going through the motion of being there for him to argue with and to be beaten up on. It wearing on the attitude and on the mind. I know somewhere it's wearing on the physical as well but not sure where it fits in all that. Anyways, I feel alone here in this quest of homeschooling. Well, I've felt alone since I've started. W hasn't really been supportive, well, I should say he has been supportive but not the kind of supportive as I would like. I wish he would be supportive like I could say something like complain a little and not have to worry about having it thrown back in my face. I know it would come back to me in the form of "you CHOSE to homeschool him." Why can't I just complain and not expect to have an answer back. B/c he complains so much about the troop and not do anything about it. I mean if you complain something about something so much wouldn't you want to do something about it? IDK, maybe I'm weird but if someone suggests that you should do something about it maybe you should!!!
You know, I wish I had a gun right now. I'm SO in the mood to shoot myself and get the pain over with. I know no one would miss me b/c it would make their lives much easier and I know it would make mine A LOT simpler. But then again, God, I know you're listening to all this and not sure if killing yourself is a sin. I don't know if that's in the Bible or not. I know I'm a sinner and I've yelled at J today Please forgive me of my sin and have me to just not be with him anymore. If you think that something should happen to me please let it happen but quickly. Have the tragic thing happen when J is not in the car (at least). If it is my time take me. I'm SO ready for that. I know my life is not as bad as some but at this moment (to me) it is. Have you ever felt that you were so alone in life that you don't have anyone you can count on to just listen or not say anything back? I have people I could probably go to but IDK if they would just sit back and let me talk the way I want to talk. People may talk wondering what's wrong with me or may say something to someone. What's wrong with just talking and wanting to have your life to end? With so many people committing suicide I could understand why people would do that. I'm in that dark place and I don't know if I could get out of it. There are only two ways that I could get out of it: 1) by killing oneself 2) by leaving and never coming back. I know if I left, I know that W would have a lot of help with his mom and J would be put in school and be taken care of. Maybe not the way that I think he should be taken care of but at least be covered. While I was taking a shower, I realized that I'm NEVER away from J at any given time during the day OR night. Here is my complaint: W is out of the house for however many hours during the day and so is his mom. That leaves me. I leave the house for 1 hr out of my day and I'm with him 24/7. No wonder I'm going crazy but some people is this household don't see it that way. I'm told I'm supposed to take him on my hr workouts with me. Just b/c he can't get off his lazy butt doesn't mean he has to go with me on my runs with my dog. J should be able to take care of himself since he is 12! At what point is it that he needs to start taking care of himself (at learn)? At what point do I start loving my child? At what point am I supposed to wish he would never leave the house? I'm always telling him to leave or for me to leave. I'm still waiting for that moment when his brain switches on to where and so does the common sense. It's funny that when we're in the car he rags on people about they don't have common sense when J doesn't even have any common sense either.
Lord I pray that You hear my cries. Give the strength to continue on and give me comfort and pour the joy of Your word in my heart. Take this feeling from me and replace it with Your patients and love. Please bring the Joy to my heart as you continue to say in your word. Amen.
Well, it's our FIRST official full week of school and we have fought EVERY DAY this week. Isn't that lovely!! Ugh!! You know you've had a long week when you can realize that you've fought everyday. The school just started and you want to kill yourself already. Oh wait, I've been wanting to kill myself for a while now!!!! It's sad that when you don't love your child as how other parents love their child. It just seems like I'm just going through the motion of being there for him to argue with and to be beaten up on. It wearing on the attitude and on the mind. I know somewhere it's wearing on the physical as well but not sure where it fits in all that. Anyways, I feel alone here in this quest of homeschooling. Well, I've felt alone since I've started. W hasn't really been supportive, well, I should say he has been supportive but not the kind of supportive as I would like. I wish he would be supportive like I could say something like complain a little and not have to worry about having it thrown back in my face. I know it would come back to me in the form of "you CHOSE to homeschool him." Why can't I just complain and not expect to have an answer back. B/c he complains so much about the troop and not do anything about it. I mean if you complain something about something so much wouldn't you want to do something about it? IDK, maybe I'm weird but if someone suggests that you should do something about it maybe you should!!!
You know, I wish I had a gun right now. I'm SO in the mood to shoot myself and get the pain over with. I know no one would miss me b/c it would make their lives much easier and I know it would make mine A LOT simpler. But then again, God, I know you're listening to all this and not sure if killing yourself is a sin. I don't know if that's in the Bible or not. I know I'm a sinner and I've yelled at J today Please forgive me of my sin and have me to just not be with him anymore. If you think that something should happen to me please let it happen but quickly. Have the tragic thing happen when J is not in the car (at least). If it is my time take me. I'm SO ready for that. I know my life is not as bad as some but at this moment (to me) it is. Have you ever felt that you were so alone in life that you don't have anyone you can count on to just listen or not say anything back? I have people I could probably go to but IDK if they would just sit back and let me talk the way I want to talk. People may talk wondering what's wrong with me or may say something to someone. What's wrong with just talking and wanting to have your life to end? With so many people committing suicide I could understand why people would do that. I'm in that dark place and I don't know if I could get out of it. There are only two ways that I could get out of it: 1) by killing oneself 2) by leaving and never coming back. I know if I left, I know that W would have a lot of help with his mom and J would be put in school and be taken care of. Maybe not the way that I think he should be taken care of but at least be covered. While I was taking a shower, I realized that I'm NEVER away from J at any given time during the day OR night. Here is my complaint: W is out of the house for however many hours during the day and so is his mom. That leaves me. I leave the house for 1 hr out of my day and I'm with him 24/7. No wonder I'm going crazy but some people is this household don't see it that way. I'm told I'm supposed to take him on my hr workouts with me. Just b/c he can't get off his lazy butt doesn't mean he has to go with me on my runs with my dog. J should be able to take care of himself since he is 12! At what point is it that he needs to start taking care of himself (at learn)? At what point do I start loving my child? At what point am I supposed to wish he would never leave the house? I'm always telling him to leave or for me to leave. I'm still waiting for that moment when his brain switches on to where and so does the common sense. It's funny that when we're in the car he rags on people about they don't have common sense when J doesn't even have any common sense either.
Lord I pray that You hear my cries. Give the strength to continue on and give me comfort and pour the joy of Your word in my heart. Take this feeling from me and replace it with Your patients and love. Please bring the Joy to my heart as you continue to say in your word. Amen.
Thursday, September 19, 2013
School Time!
September 19, 2013
Well, this is the second (2nd) seek of school and I've already regret my decision. Well, let's just say I regret teaching him but not keeping him home from school from the other reasons. I guess my other reason.ns would be making sure he gets the attention he needs but I think that sometimes it's too much. I've tried to be patient but SOMEtimes he just gets under my skin. Like I've said, I HATE the issues he has and maybe if you take away the issues then maybe I would LOVE the kid. But I know that's just not going to happen. I try to love the kid AND the issues but sometimes it is difficult to do.
We've already have been fighting this week and it's only Thursday. The big one was Tuesday on our way to see Dr. E. As always the issue and I think will always will be the radio in the car. I have the volume low (I like it that way) but J doesn't. He wants the volume higher but as the driver I've had the volume on high and I've had it to where I would be driving along and all of a sudden I'd see the ambulance. So NOW I make sure my volume in my car is low so I may hear the police, fire trucks or ambulance. But anyways, J wanted it higher in the volume (he asked nicely) and I answered no. You would think he would be respectful and accept that answer but NO he didn't he wanted to continue to fight my answer and be me down to answer yes. But to no avail..... I held my ground and said no and don't touch my stuff in my car. He didn't like that and he went on another tangent. We finally got to Dr. E and we went in our session and guess what!!!! I feel validated that I have someone on my side (for once) to let him know that he total disrespected my authority. It's like what he said on Tuesday. We were in school and he "started" to ask me something about Wednesday. I told him, "I didn't want to think about tomorrow, I just want to get today over with." J says, "okay, but I ....." Again I tell him, "I told you, I don't want to talk about tomorrow, just want to get through today." So he actually dropped it but I get totally disrespected constantly and it wears on me to where I feel like I'm beat down by a baseball bat.
I'm hoping today will be a better day. I pray the Lord bring me peace and understanding. Lord help me with my tongue and my attitude. Help me to love the unloveable. Amen.
Well, this is the second (2nd) seek of school and I've already regret my decision. Well, let's just say I regret teaching him but not keeping him home from school from the other reasons. I guess my other reason.ns would be making sure he gets the attention he needs but I think that sometimes it's too much. I've tried to be patient but SOMEtimes he just gets under my skin. Like I've said, I HATE the issues he has and maybe if you take away the issues then maybe I would LOVE the kid. But I know that's just not going to happen. I try to love the kid AND the issues but sometimes it is difficult to do.
We've already have been fighting this week and it's only Thursday. The big one was Tuesday on our way to see Dr. E. As always the issue and I think will always will be the radio in the car. I have the volume low (I like it that way) but J doesn't. He wants the volume higher but as the driver I've had the volume on high and I've had it to where I would be driving along and all of a sudden I'd see the ambulance. So NOW I make sure my volume in my car is low so I may hear the police, fire trucks or ambulance. But anyways, J wanted it higher in the volume (he asked nicely) and I answered no. You would think he would be respectful and accept that answer but NO he didn't he wanted to continue to fight my answer and be me down to answer yes. But to no avail..... I held my ground and said no and don't touch my stuff in my car. He didn't like that and he went on another tangent. We finally got to Dr. E and we went in our session and guess what!!!! I feel validated that I have someone on my side (for once) to let him know that he total disrespected my authority. It's like what he said on Tuesday. We were in school and he "started" to ask me something about Wednesday. I told him, "I didn't want to think about tomorrow, I just want to get today over with." J says, "okay, but I ....." Again I tell him, "I told you, I don't want to talk about tomorrow, just want to get through today." So he actually dropped it but I get totally disrespected constantly and it wears on me to where I feel like I'm beat down by a baseball bat.
I'm hoping today will be a better day. I pray the Lord bring me peace and understanding. Lord help me with my tongue and my attitude. Help me to love the unloveable. Amen.
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