Feeling Trapped

September 20, 2013

Well, it's our FIRST official full week of school and we have fought EVERY DAY this week.  Isn't that lovely!! Ugh!! You know you've had a long week when you can realize that you've fought everyday.  The school just started and you want to kill yourself already.  Oh wait, I've been wanting to kill myself for a while now!!!! It's sad that when you don't love your child as how other parents love their child.  It just seems like I'm just going through the motion of being there for him to argue with and to be beaten up on.  It wearing on the attitude and on the mind.  I know somewhere it's wearing on the physical as well but not sure where it fits in all that.  Anyways, I feel alone here in this quest of homeschooling.  Well, I've felt alone since I've started.  W hasn't really been supportive, well, I should say he has been supportive but not the kind of supportive as I would like.  I wish he would be supportive like I could say something like complain a little and not have to worry about having it thrown back in my face. I know it would come back to me in the form of "you CHOSE to homeschool him."  Why can't I just complain and not expect to have an answer back.  B/c he complains so much about the troop and not do anything about it.  I mean if you complain something about something so much wouldn't you want to do something about it? IDK, maybe I'm weird but if someone suggests that you should do something about it maybe you should!!!

You know, I wish I had a gun right now.  I'm SO in the mood to shoot myself and get the pain over with.  I know no one would miss me b/c it would make their lives much easier and I know it would make mine A LOT simpler.  But then again, God, I know you're listening to all this and not sure if killing yourself is a sin.  I don't know if that's in the Bible or not.  I know I'm a sinner and I've yelled at J today  Please forgive me of my sin and have me to just not be with him anymore.  If you think that something should happen to me please let it happen but quickly.  Have the tragic thing happen when J is not in the car (at least).  If it is my time take me.  I'm SO ready for that.  I know my life is not as bad as some but at this moment (to me) it is.  Have you ever felt that you were so alone in life that you don't have anyone you can count on to just listen or not say anything back? I have people I could probably go to but IDK if they would just sit back and let me talk the way I want to talk.  People may talk wondering what's wrong with me or may say something to someone.  What's wrong with just talking and wanting to have your life to end? With so many people committing suicide I could understand why people would do that.  I'm in that dark place and I don't know if I could get out of it.  There are only two ways that I could get out of it: 1) by killing oneself 2) by leaving and never coming back.  I know if I left, I know that W would have a lot of help with his mom and J would be put in school and be taken care of.  Maybe not the way that I think he should be taken care of but at least be covered.  While I was taking a shower, I realized that I'm NEVER away from J at any given time during the day OR night.  Here is my complaint: W is out of the house for however many hours during the day and so is his mom.  That leaves me.  I leave the house for 1 hr out of my day and I'm with him 24/7.  No wonder I'm going crazy but some people is this household don't see it that way.  I'm told I'm supposed to take him on my hr workouts with me.  Just b/c he can't get off his lazy butt doesn't mean he has to go with me on my runs with my dog.  J should be able to take care of himself since he is 12! At what point is it that he needs to start taking care of himself (at learn)? At what point do I start loving my child? At what point am I supposed to wish he would never leave the house? I'm always telling him to leave or for me to leave.  I'm still waiting for that moment when his brain switches on to where and so does the common sense.  It's funny that when we're in the car he rags on people about they don't have common sense when J doesn't even have any common sense either.

Lord I pray that You hear my cries.  Give the strength to continue on and give me comfort and pour the joy of Your word in my heart.  Take this feeling from me and replace it with Your patients and love.  Please bring the Joy to my heart as you continue to say in your word.  Amen.