Tuesday, October 2, 2013
Well, I think the homeschooling has finally come to an end. These past few days have been TERRIBLE!!!! I understand about the testosterone flowing threw someone but MAN is this really bad this time. I don't know where the disrespect comes from or where he can get the idea that he can stand up to me or to his father. I don't get it. So at this time the homeschooling is no longer healthy for the two of us, that family or the house. It would be nice to send him off to school if we had a good school district to or school to send him to. The schools out here are TERRIBLE. They have gangs that form in the school and there are a lot of fights that happen. Now IDK whether the fights start from the kids I know to survive but that still doesn't make it right. I'm saddened by this b/c I really enjoy homeschooling when you don't have a student that argues with you about doing the work or doing the work in a timely manner. The words that are said are hurtful and when you have a student that says things that are hurtful (plus you have a child that doesn't FEEL they are hurtful) it is hard to homeschool. My heart cries out for you God. I pray that you would soften my heart. Take away this burden from my heart that I have turn it into Your goodness and love. Have me to love my son the way You love him. Show me that I can love him like You. How DO I love the unloveable? The way I look at it is I pray that this school change would turn out to be a good thing. I hope he soars higher than he did when I was homeschooling him. I hope he likes what he is doing and thrives on wanting to do more. I pray that he is eager to do what he needs to do and that he can keep up. Lord pour Your love upon to this household. We are in desperate need of Your kindness, love and grace. Hold this family together as You want it to be. Take these dark thoughts from my head. Pour Your grace and wisdom upon me. Have me to be the light for J and have me to love him and not hate him. Have me NOT to regret my choice and have me to Thank God that we adopted him. I pray that You take J and You give him Your grace and Your wisdom. Have him to learn to love those that are not like him. Have to learn to make friends and keep them. Have him to run and play and have fun like other kids can do. Have to be broken and be obedient and honor the parents he has. Have to be grateful for the things You have provided for him. Have him to have hope love peace and joy.
I pray that You take away my dark thoughts. Take away the thoughts of suicide. Take away the thoughts of trying to figure out how I could do it w/o feeling the pain b/c I've been feeling too much pain for awhile. It's been so long since I've been or felt happy IDK what it is to be happy or to feel happy. Have those feelings come back to me and to this family. Have me to want to be part of this family. Have me to WANT to be a Mom. Have me to have a great experience in being a parent. I would like to have the relationship with my son.
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