3 kind words a day!

August 19, 2013

So my challenge from my girlfriend is that I'm supposed to say 3 kind words a day!!! Well actually that started this past weekend and I've failed since day one! I'm trying VERY hard to say kind words but come one J doesn't make it any easier.  I when he does stupid stuff such as crawl through the DOG DOOR and the next thing I hear is "ow".  What am I supposed to think!!! My thinking is that if he didn't crawl through the dog door in the first place he wouldn't have hurt himself in the second place.  Amazing how that works out.  The other thing is that if he listened to me in the first place maybe we wouldn't be fighting in the second place. You know I have thought that a lot of these arguments were b/c of me but now I know that it is NOT me and it's all him b/c if he would just do what I ask him to do then we would be smooth sailing from here.

Like now, he's taking a test and he's so drama!!! He's put his head on the table and dropped his pencil and I waited for him to pick it up off the floor.  So I waited and waited and waited.  Finally I had to say "three, two, one." Finally at "two" he picked up his pencil and he's not exactly focusing on his test.  You see when I correct it and if there is a problem that's wrong then he'll blame me b/c he didn't know it or something else or I didn't help him etc.  He says that he wants responsibility but yet he's not taking responsibility for his own actions and won't EVER say he is wrong especially when I prove him wrong.  He'll say it's someone else's fault or I didn't do that etc.  So how can I give him MORE responsibility when he won't be responsible for his own stuff FIRST!!!

Back to kind words!!! You know I'm homeschooling him AGAIN this year!!! I already regret my decision b/c I know how it's going to be.  Arguing EVERY DAY and telling him to give his quarter b/c he's a minute late, don't yell at me etc.  He tells me he's not going to do that but I don't believe that one for a second.  As a matter of fact, I don't believe anything he tells me at any given moment b/c I ask him what he's doing and he says, "nothing." To me if it's "nothing" then you're doing something wrong and you don't want to tell me what you're doing b/c if you did then you would get in trouble for what you're NOT supposed to be doing! So how often does he lie!?! quite a bit.  He tells me he doesn't do that either!!! To me a lie is a lie not matter how you look at it.  No wonder I don't believe him in anything he says. 

Yesterday at church, it really hit me hard.  Maybe b/c I was feeling guilty on what I've been saying to him lately.  Calling him names (bad ones) but that's what is on my mind.  I calls it as I sees it!! That's my motto.  I know God it's a terrible one.  But you those parents that talk about how much they love their kids and they are spending time with them having a great time.  Not me.  I don't love my kid and I hate him and I don't like to spend time with him.  That's why I don't like to be in the same room with him or do anything with him b/c I hate him! I know "hate" is a strong word but I think it sums it up pretty well.  I don't know any other word for it but that! I do hate him and I don't even know what loving a child is all about.  IDK, maybe it was never my own and never bonded with him or something.  I feel like a long life baby sitter and that I wish I could give him back anytime and live the life I had before he came.  I know, it's that old saying, "be careful what you pray for." I know I didn't ask for a normal kid or a kid that didn't have anything wrong or anything.  All I asked for was a kid.  Shame on me for not asking specifically what I was wanting. The only thing I sum up J is that he's a walking A**hole!!! He just has that attitude of an A**hole!!  IDK why but he just fits in that mold.  I know it's mean but it's true.  It's not nice I know to express my thoughts but I can't help myself.  He brings out the worst in me. 

Like right now, I don't get it! He's moans and groans and yawns and makes noise.  I'm trying not to react b/c if I do then he wins.  There are times I know that he does things on purpose just to piss me off.  The sad thing is I fall for it every single time.  Right now he was doing something and not focusing on his test and I look at him and he says "what."  So much for our talk yesterday.  Like I said to him.  Nothing gets resolved b/c it keeps happening RIGHT after we talk about it and he does the SAME thing AGAIN w/o fail.  That's why there is no resolution to our arguments and then moments later he comes over to ask us for a hug when we are still stewing over what started the argument and he's been over it for a while now.  It's like a "hit and run" situation. J hits us and he runs and never looks back on how many times he has hurt us.  So when he tries to do something for us we don't say thank you or anything.  This is part of the Aspergers.  Kids/people with that don't know how to feel or are aware they have done something to anyone and not that they don't care it's just they are not aware of what they are doing to those people.  They don't see the "dead" bodies that are left on the side of the road.  Unfortunately, the care takers or parents that have kids like this or adults that like that have to be able to forgive and move on.  It's so hard to do that when you're constantly being run over. 

Well, another argument just happened.  He was unfocused on his work and I told him that he CAN run!! Well, start at the beginning.  I make him run a few laps to help with his unfocused attitude and to help him get exercise.  So since he was unfocused I made him run a few laps.  So he says he "can't do it" b/c he hasn't run much or done much in exercise this whole summer and therefore he can't continuously run a 1/4 of mile w/o being winded!! So he keeps telling me "he can't" and then I said "you're right". I agree with you you  can't do it.  Then when I tell him that he can't he says why are saying that. I'm only repeating what he just said! Is he not aware of what he says???? OMG!!! And he gets mad at me for repeating what he says.  He tells me that I support him.  You know he doesn't realize or is aware that I'm ALWAYS in his corner to be there for him and help him with whatever he needs me to do.  And all I get is being yelled at or tell me that I start the fights or I do it b/c I like to argue. I get so sick of being this bad person that I have not be myself to be a good person.

I'm ending this argument by leaving.  Good bye!