September 20, 2013
Well, it's our FIRST official full week of school and we have fought EVERY DAY this week. Isn't that lovely!! Ugh!! You know you've had a long week when you can realize that you've fought everyday. The school just started and you want to kill yourself already. Oh wait, I've been wanting to kill myself for a while now!!!! It's sad that when you don't love your child as how other parents love their child. It just seems like I'm just going through the motion of being there for him to argue with and to be beaten up on. It wearing on the attitude and on the mind. I know somewhere it's wearing on the physical as well but not sure where it fits in all that. Anyways, I feel alone here in this quest of homeschooling. Well, I've felt alone since I've started. W hasn't really been supportive, well, I should say he has been supportive but not the kind of supportive as I would like. I wish he would be supportive like I could say something like complain a little and not have to worry about having it thrown back in my face. I know it would come back to me in the form of "you CHOSE to homeschool him." Why can't I just complain and not expect to have an answer back. B/c he complains so much about the troop and not do anything about it. I mean if you complain something about something so much wouldn't you want to do something about it? IDK, maybe I'm weird but if someone suggests that you should do something about it maybe you should!!!
You know, I wish I had a gun right now. I'm SO in the mood to shoot myself and get the pain over with. I know no one would miss me b/c it would make their lives much easier and I know it would make mine A LOT simpler. But then again, God, I know you're listening to all this and not sure if killing yourself is a sin. I don't know if that's in the Bible or not. I know I'm a sinner and I've yelled at J today Please forgive me of my sin and have me to just not be with him anymore. If you think that something should happen to me please let it happen but quickly. Have the tragic thing happen when J is not in the car (at least). If it is my time take me. I'm SO ready for that. I know my life is not as bad as some but at this moment (to me) it is. Have you ever felt that you were so alone in life that you don't have anyone you can count on to just listen or not say anything back? I have people I could probably go to but IDK if they would just sit back and let me talk the way I want to talk. People may talk wondering what's wrong with me or may say something to someone. What's wrong with just talking and wanting to have your life to end? With so many people committing suicide I could understand why people would do that. I'm in that dark place and I don't know if I could get out of it. There are only two ways that I could get out of it: 1) by killing oneself 2) by leaving and never coming back. I know if I left, I know that W would have a lot of help with his mom and J would be put in school and be taken care of. Maybe not the way that I think he should be taken care of but at least be covered. While I was taking a shower, I realized that I'm NEVER away from J at any given time during the day OR night. Here is my complaint: W is out of the house for however many hours during the day and so is his mom. That leaves me. I leave the house for 1 hr out of my day and I'm with him 24/7. No wonder I'm going crazy but some people is this household don't see it that way. I'm told I'm supposed to take him on my hr workouts with me. Just b/c he can't get off his lazy butt doesn't mean he has to go with me on my runs with my dog. J should be able to take care of himself since he is 12! At what point is it that he needs to start taking care of himself (at learn)? At what point do I start loving my child? At what point am I supposed to wish he would never leave the house? I'm always telling him to leave or for me to leave. I'm still waiting for that moment when his brain switches on to where and so does the common sense. It's funny that when we're in the car he rags on people about they don't have common sense when J doesn't even have any common sense either.
Lord I pray that You hear my cries. Give the strength to continue on and give me comfort and pour the joy of Your word in my heart. Take this feeling from me and replace it with Your patients and love. Please bring the Joy to my heart as you continue to say in your word. Amen.
Friday, September 20, 2013
Thursday, September 19, 2013
School Time!
September 19, 2013
Well, this is the second (2nd) seek of school and I've already regret my decision. Well, let's just say I regret teaching him but not keeping him home from school from the other reasons. I guess my other reason.ns would be making sure he gets the attention he needs but I think that sometimes it's too much. I've tried to be patient but SOMEtimes he just gets under my skin. Like I've said, I HATE the issues he has and maybe if you take away the issues then maybe I would LOVE the kid. But I know that's just not going to happen. I try to love the kid AND the issues but sometimes it is difficult to do.
We've already have been fighting this week and it's only Thursday. The big one was Tuesday on our way to see Dr. E. As always the issue and I think will always will be the radio in the car. I have the volume low (I like it that way) but J doesn't. He wants the volume higher but as the driver I've had the volume on high and I've had it to where I would be driving along and all of a sudden I'd see the ambulance. So NOW I make sure my volume in my car is low so I may hear the police, fire trucks or ambulance. But anyways, J wanted it higher in the volume (he asked nicely) and I answered no. You would think he would be respectful and accept that answer but NO he didn't he wanted to continue to fight my answer and be me down to answer yes. But to no avail..... I held my ground and said no and don't touch my stuff in my car. He didn't like that and he went on another tangent. We finally got to Dr. E and we went in our session and guess what!!!! I feel validated that I have someone on my side (for once) to let him know that he total disrespected my authority. It's like what he said on Tuesday. We were in school and he "started" to ask me something about Wednesday. I told him, "I didn't want to think about tomorrow, I just want to get today over with." J says, "okay, but I ....." Again I tell him, "I told you, I don't want to talk about tomorrow, just want to get through today." So he actually dropped it but I get totally disrespected constantly and it wears on me to where I feel like I'm beat down by a baseball bat.
I'm hoping today will be a better day. I pray the Lord bring me peace and understanding. Lord help me with my tongue and my attitude. Help me to love the unloveable. Amen.
Well, this is the second (2nd) seek of school and I've already regret my decision. Well, let's just say I regret teaching him but not keeping him home from school from the other reasons. I guess my other reason.ns would be making sure he gets the attention he needs but I think that sometimes it's too much. I've tried to be patient but SOMEtimes he just gets under my skin. Like I've said, I HATE the issues he has and maybe if you take away the issues then maybe I would LOVE the kid. But I know that's just not going to happen. I try to love the kid AND the issues but sometimes it is difficult to do.
We've already have been fighting this week and it's only Thursday. The big one was Tuesday on our way to see Dr. E. As always the issue and I think will always will be the radio in the car. I have the volume low (I like it that way) but J doesn't. He wants the volume higher but as the driver I've had the volume on high and I've had it to where I would be driving along and all of a sudden I'd see the ambulance. So NOW I make sure my volume in my car is low so I may hear the police, fire trucks or ambulance. But anyways, J wanted it higher in the volume (he asked nicely) and I answered no. You would think he would be respectful and accept that answer but NO he didn't he wanted to continue to fight my answer and be me down to answer yes. But to no avail..... I held my ground and said no and don't touch my stuff in my car. He didn't like that and he went on another tangent. We finally got to Dr. E and we went in our session and guess what!!!! I feel validated that I have someone on my side (for once) to let him know that he total disrespected my authority. It's like what he said on Tuesday. We were in school and he "started" to ask me something about Wednesday. I told him, "I didn't want to think about tomorrow, I just want to get today over with." J says, "okay, but I ....." Again I tell him, "I told you, I don't want to talk about tomorrow, just want to get through today." So he actually dropped it but I get totally disrespected constantly and it wears on me to where I feel like I'm beat down by a baseball bat.
I'm hoping today will be a better day. I pray the Lord bring me peace and understanding. Lord help me with my tongue and my attitude. Help me to love the unloveable. Amen.
Monday, September 2, 2013
Labor Day Fiasco!!!!
September 2, 2013 (Labor Day)
Happy Labor Day everyone! It still baffles me that today is Labor Day and people aren't supposed to labor but they do. That's funny!!!
It was a great humid day in Moreno Valley and it started out great with a cup of coffee and pancakes!!! How I love pancakes!!! Anyways, J got up and ended up coming to the table for breakfast so I ended up eating faster and leaving the table. For some reason I can't STAND sitting across from J and look at him eating. Isn't that sad! I try to NOT be in the same room as J but today was different. Everything was fine and dandy up until 4:30!!! At that time I had asked him to feed the animals and I left him to finish up fixing his bed. Shortly after that Grandma went to his room and told him the same thing. I didn't say anything or do anything but finally around 4:45 he came out to feed the animals. He first fed Pearl (cat) as always and then came Babe (dog). It just seems like every time he is supposed to feed Babe, J makes her wait!!! I DON'T understand why. I left the kitchen and came back to find J gone and NOT feeding Babe!!! J was wanting to BBQ b/c he was wanting to help with cooking of the ribs we were having for dinner. When I didn't see J making an effort to feed Babe, I went ahead and took over the task at hand. I wasn't going to be waiting for J to feed Babe for whatever reason. So I got the dry food and came back into the kitchen and that was when J grabbed for the dog bowl. I told him to let go, I got it and I am going to feed Babe! He of course didn't and we got into it. He stood close and go into my face and I told him to not be in my face!!! I pushed him away b/c he was in my face!!! Then when I looked into the frig to see if there was a can of dog food J ran into the garage to get the can I need to feed the dog. I went out there to get the can from him and he wouldn't give it to me so I threw my spoon that I had in my hand at him. He wanted to take over but I refused to let him do b/c it wasn't the issue of feeding the dog it was that he decided to NOT feed her when I asked him to from the beginning.
Here we go again!!! WHY CAN'T HE JUST DO WHAT I ASK HIM TO DO WHEN I ASK IT!!! WHY DO EVERYTHING HAS TO BE ON HIS TERMS B/C HE WON'T BE DOING IT!!! Oh Gosh!!!
I just want to either KILL MYSELF or run away!!! either one is good!!!
Happy Labor Day everyone! It still baffles me that today is Labor Day and people aren't supposed to labor but they do. That's funny!!!
It was a great humid day in Moreno Valley and it started out great with a cup of coffee and pancakes!!! How I love pancakes!!! Anyways, J got up and ended up coming to the table for breakfast so I ended up eating faster and leaving the table. For some reason I can't STAND sitting across from J and look at him eating. Isn't that sad! I try to NOT be in the same room as J but today was different. Everything was fine and dandy up until 4:30!!! At that time I had asked him to feed the animals and I left him to finish up fixing his bed. Shortly after that Grandma went to his room and told him the same thing. I didn't say anything or do anything but finally around 4:45 he came out to feed the animals. He first fed Pearl (cat) as always and then came Babe (dog). It just seems like every time he is supposed to feed Babe, J makes her wait!!! I DON'T understand why. I left the kitchen and came back to find J gone and NOT feeding Babe!!! J was wanting to BBQ b/c he was wanting to help with cooking of the ribs we were having for dinner. When I didn't see J making an effort to feed Babe, I went ahead and took over the task at hand. I wasn't going to be waiting for J to feed Babe for whatever reason. So I got the dry food and came back into the kitchen and that was when J grabbed for the dog bowl. I told him to let go, I got it and I am going to feed Babe! He of course didn't and we got into it. He stood close and go into my face and I told him to not be in my face!!! I pushed him away b/c he was in my face!!! Then when I looked into the frig to see if there was a can of dog food J ran into the garage to get the can I need to feed the dog. I went out there to get the can from him and he wouldn't give it to me so I threw my spoon that I had in my hand at him. He wanted to take over but I refused to let him do b/c it wasn't the issue of feeding the dog it was that he decided to NOT feed her when I asked him to from the beginning.
Here we go again!!! WHY CAN'T HE JUST DO WHAT I ASK HIM TO DO WHEN I ASK IT!!! WHY DO EVERYTHING HAS TO BE ON HIS TERMS B/C HE WON'T BE DOING IT!!! Oh Gosh!!!
I just want to either KILL MYSELF or run away!!! either one is good!!!
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