Wednesday, March 27th
W had a talk with J AGAIN! Probably about what happened when we arrived at the ball park. W didn't go b/c he went to the scout troop meeting. I ask myself, "what did I do to deserve this child?" I know God you have a purpose for me but why am I feeling so alone. I mean living with two guys in the house isn't easy. I feel it's like "guys night out every night." Maybe I'm wrong but sometimes I feel (IDK if I feel or think) that sometimes W doesn't care about me. I know that's silly but I do at times feel that. Isn't that sad? It is sad to think that after 24 years of marriage I feel this. This maybe silly to think but ever since J came to the house W has....IDK. Whatever!
I feel so lonely that I just want to cry. I know I have A LOT of girlfriends that I need or can call and talk but IDK if they can relate to what I'm saying. I know at least one that can probably relate very well b/c she's in this situation and has been for a long time. Maybe I'll call her tomorrow.
I have had a lot of thoughts to just taking a gun and ending it! That would DEFINITELY put me out of misery. I know that's not the answer but I don't know how much longer I can do this. I'm trying to say to myself "just hang in there a little longer." "I can do this." It's difficult when you're in an unfamiliar place and you don't anyone, you're not sure where to go or how far you can go w/o loosing your way. I know God that this part of my life is a "season" in my life but how much longer do I have to go through it? I know it's all in Your time and not mine.
Why does J irritate me so much? I don't get it!!! But not matter what he does he irritates me so much!!! Ugh!!! I'm so freakin mad right now I can't stand it!
IDK, maybe I'm not cut out to be a mom and just be an aunt. I probably shouldn't have adopted J at all. I mean I was such a nice person and now I've become a real bitch. I mean I'm usually not this way at all but I've become this person since I've adopted or when J has come into our home. I've been a raging bitch ever since. Is that normal? But then again what is normal? J is always wanting to what's wrong with me. I keep telling him that he doesn't want to know what I'm thinking b/c more than likely that my thoughts aren't nice and about him. I don't usually regret many things in my life I think this is the first time I've regreted something.
IDK why my heart is so hardened. But I know that ever since J has come my heart has been hardening since. I don't understand why though. That's the problem. I try to love him but how can I love someone when that person doesn't love me. The other thing is, I'm not sure if I love him. I'm not even sure if I love W anymore. IDK what love is. The only thing I feel that I love is B. I know I used to know what love is but I'm not so sure anymore.
IDK.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Saturday, March 23, 2013
This week was pretty good. Well, I should say so-so. Monday was okay but was a little difficult b/c we had P.E. with the Bailey's. We had our argument as usual b/c he felt that since he had P.E. he was able to relax AWHILE or take a nap. I swear this kid has some nerve. I catch him constantly about how relaxed he is just b/c he's homeschooled. I keep reminding him that would he ask the teacher to take a nap after they had P.E.? And of course I would get NO! Then why would you ask that of me? Or I ask him, "would you ask your teacher if you could take a nap b/c your tired after P.E.? Of course he would say no. So I don't get why would he ask me of this stuff! That's what I don't understand.
Tuesday rolled around my gosh, I had to ask myself "what went wrong." Tuesday started out like our typical day. School at 9, finished at 1:45 b/c we had a dr's appt. with Dr. Ed (as he likes to be called). If I haven't already indicated to you that Dr. Ed is a psychologist that deals with CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). We have been going to him for a couple of weeks now and I really wish we would get into the therapy. We talked about some stuff and before we left he had J with something he should do. That is to not yell at "mom" and to stop and think and then do. Well, that all went out of the window Tuesday night at the Troop meeting. I mean the first half of the meeting went well but the 2nd half! Wow! Everything he had talked about Dr. Ed with went out the window.
This week was pretty good. Well, I should say so-so. Monday was okay but was a little difficult b/c we had P.E. with the Bailey's. We had our argument as usual b/c he felt that since he had P.E. he was able to relax AWHILE or take a nap. I swear this kid has some nerve. I catch him constantly about how relaxed he is just b/c he's homeschooled. I keep reminding him that would he ask the teacher to take a nap after they had P.E.? And of course I would get NO! Then why would you ask that of me? Or I ask him, "would you ask your teacher if you could take a nap b/c your tired after P.E.? Of course he would say no. So I don't get why would he ask me of this stuff! That's what I don't understand.
Tuesday rolled around my gosh, I had to ask myself "what went wrong." Tuesday started out like our typical day. School at 9, finished at 1:45 b/c we had a dr's appt. with Dr. Ed (as he likes to be called). If I haven't already indicated to you that Dr. Ed is a psychologist that deals with CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). We have been going to him for a couple of weeks now and I really wish we would get into the therapy. We talked about some stuff and before we left he had J with something he should do. That is to not yell at "mom" and to stop and think and then do. Well, that all went out of the window Tuesday night at the Troop meeting. I mean the first half of the meeting went well but the 2nd half! Wow! Everything he had talked about Dr. Ed with went out the window.
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Feeling Nothing
Sunday, March 17th
Well Happy St. Patrick's Day everyone!!! Had a good day (sort of) but the one thing I TRY to do is to interact with J. Not that I'm always successful but at least I try. I also try to walk away from him when he gets angry or rude or anything b/c of me. Like I said I try but don't always succeed. You eventhough I talk with Wade about things I STILL don't get a "atta boy." You know I know it's only me, me being the only girl in the family, I feel like it's the "Guys against the Girls." I feel like I get seconds like I did when I was growing up. I got last of the attention or none at all. I try to let things go but I don't really ask for much but when I would like to purchase something I usually get the "we don't have the money" answer but Wade has no problem going to Big 5 or going to some sport store buying something for J without fail. So when W buys these things, does he REALLY need them? I mean a rain cover for J's tent. I mean does he really need it for this coming up weekends camping trip? I don't think so b/c it's not going to rain. I mean we're going into the summer months and not that California has alot of rainny days in the summer. There has been other things as well but not going to go there. I think W makes up for me arguing with J constantly. My feelings are with that is if he JUST does what he's supposed to do I wouldn't be yelling or on him in the second place.
Like tonight, I simply went into J's room to talk to him (yes talk) about the assignments that he is suppose to get to me by Tuesday. Of course, I get the lame ass excuse "I didn't have enough time." I'm so freakin' tired of the F-in excuse that just tells me you really don't freakin' care. I could understand why some teachers just give up b/c the kids don't care. I finally walk out of J's room b/c I'm so pissed off at his attitude. It's 8:45 or so (close to 9:00pm) and I see W walking towards that direction. I ask W to tell J to get ready for bed (start putting away things). Of course J says, "okay Dad, I'll do it in a minute." J's minute is like 30 min. later. Anyways, I hear J getting yelled at by W b/c J was shooting W in the back with his Nerf gun. W is yelling at J b/c it's not time to play it's time to get ready to go to bed! So I step in and show J that he has not even gotten ready for bed b/c he's got stuff on his bed, stuff on his floor etc. Well, that didn't sit well with W and W starts yelling at me in front of J. Well, I totally understand why J doesn't respect me is b/c W doesn't respect me as well. J sees W yelling at me and so J is just fall suite. I really shouldn't be yelling at J for being disrespectful to me at all. It's W I should be yelling at. J is the innocent victum in our relationship.
My relationship with W has totally gone down hill. I understand why after couples are married for awhile on why they get divorced b/c after awhile one of the two can't stand them b/c either I have changed or W have changed. I probably have changed a "bitch" b/c I have to deal with J whom I think most of the time is a real idiot! I mean J doesn't remember what he does or what he says. That's pretty pathetic!!! It's real sad that I can't even have the relationship I want with my own son!!! I've seen other mom's relationships with their son and I'm envious of it. I say one word or request something, I get yelled at by J. I would really like to leave this situation and not worry about child custody or anything. If I could I would really like to just walk out of this marriage and stop being a wife, and a mother and I don't think I'll have any heart feelings. When W was yelling at me I didn't even feel bad that he's yelling at me. Isn't that sad! It was just rolling off my back like water rolling off of a ducks feathers. It didn't even sink in. I guess it's like my parents. Waiting out the time when I could just walk away and not have to worry about anyone or anybody. Is it terrible that I'm thinking this way. I mean W tells me he couldn't stand it if he lost me. Well yelling at me in front of your son isn't going to help any! No wonder he doesn't respect me b/c you don't either. I don't get any edifying or telling me when I'm feeling I can't do it that I can. I mean I'm getting my edifying through my womans group than I'm getting with W. Now that's sad. Not even keep up the good work or you can do this. All I'm getting is, "it's whatever you want to do." or "you decided on this." Of course, I'm not going to get the backing I need from anyone. I'm feeling all alone. I need to somehow creat a real friendship with one or all of the women in the group and call them when I'm feeling low. I mean I could do just that with S.W. and T.R. but I hate to always whine to them. I just want to vent and I can't do it on FB. I've got too many people that would bash me for what I WANT to say. Plus I would have ONE particular person REALLY hate me for posting the stuff I want to post as well.
Well enough venting. Thank you for listening.
Well Happy St. Patrick's Day everyone!!! Had a good day (sort of) but the one thing I TRY to do is to interact with J. Not that I'm always successful but at least I try. I also try to walk away from him when he gets angry or rude or anything b/c of me. Like I said I try but don't always succeed. You eventhough I talk with Wade about things I STILL don't get a "atta boy." You know I know it's only me, me being the only girl in the family, I feel like it's the "Guys against the Girls." I feel like I get seconds like I did when I was growing up. I got last of the attention or none at all. I try to let things go but I don't really ask for much but when I would like to purchase something I usually get the "we don't have the money" answer but Wade has no problem going to Big 5 or going to some sport store buying something for J without fail. So when W buys these things, does he REALLY need them? I mean a rain cover for J's tent. I mean does he really need it for this coming up weekends camping trip? I don't think so b/c it's not going to rain. I mean we're going into the summer months and not that California has alot of rainny days in the summer. There has been other things as well but not going to go there. I think W makes up for me arguing with J constantly. My feelings are with that is if he JUST does what he's supposed to do I wouldn't be yelling or on him in the second place.
Like tonight, I simply went into J's room to talk to him (yes talk) about the assignments that he is suppose to get to me by Tuesday. Of course, I get the lame ass excuse "I didn't have enough time." I'm so freakin' tired of the F-in excuse that just tells me you really don't freakin' care. I could understand why some teachers just give up b/c the kids don't care. I finally walk out of J's room b/c I'm so pissed off at his attitude. It's 8:45 or so (close to 9:00pm) and I see W walking towards that direction. I ask W to tell J to get ready for bed (start putting away things). Of course J says, "okay Dad, I'll do it in a minute." J's minute is like 30 min. later. Anyways, I hear J getting yelled at by W b/c J was shooting W in the back with his Nerf gun. W is yelling at J b/c it's not time to play it's time to get ready to go to bed! So I step in and show J that he has not even gotten ready for bed b/c he's got stuff on his bed, stuff on his floor etc. Well, that didn't sit well with W and W starts yelling at me in front of J. Well, I totally understand why J doesn't respect me is b/c W doesn't respect me as well. J sees W yelling at me and so J is just fall suite. I really shouldn't be yelling at J for being disrespectful to me at all. It's W I should be yelling at. J is the innocent victum in our relationship.
My relationship with W has totally gone down hill. I understand why after couples are married for awhile on why they get divorced b/c after awhile one of the two can't stand them b/c either I have changed or W have changed. I probably have changed a "bitch" b/c I have to deal with J whom I think most of the time is a real idiot! I mean J doesn't remember what he does or what he says. That's pretty pathetic!!! It's real sad that I can't even have the relationship I want with my own son!!! I've seen other mom's relationships with their son and I'm envious of it. I say one word or request something, I get yelled at by J. I would really like to leave this situation and not worry about child custody or anything. If I could I would really like to just walk out of this marriage and stop being a wife, and a mother and I don't think I'll have any heart feelings. When W was yelling at me I didn't even feel bad that he's yelling at me. Isn't that sad! It was just rolling off my back like water rolling off of a ducks feathers. It didn't even sink in. I guess it's like my parents. Waiting out the time when I could just walk away and not have to worry about anyone or anybody. Is it terrible that I'm thinking this way. I mean W tells me he couldn't stand it if he lost me. Well yelling at me in front of your son isn't going to help any! No wonder he doesn't respect me b/c you don't either. I don't get any edifying or telling me when I'm feeling I can't do it that I can. I mean I'm getting my edifying through my womans group than I'm getting with W. Now that's sad. Not even keep up the good work or you can do this. All I'm getting is, "it's whatever you want to do." or "you decided on this." Of course, I'm not going to get the backing I need from anyone. I'm feeling all alone. I need to somehow creat a real friendship with one or all of the women in the group and call them when I'm feeling low. I mean I could do just that with S.W. and T.R. but I hate to always whine to them. I just want to vent and I can't do it on FB. I've got too many people that would bash me for what I WANT to say. Plus I would have ONE particular person REALLY hate me for posting the stuff I want to post as well.
Well enough venting. Thank you for listening.
My Journey-Part 2
So it's been 10 days of my last confession. I thought maybe I should start with something like that since we're in the Easter season. I pray that the Lord watch over me and give me strength when I don't have any. Amen.
Now back to the original scheduled program. So in "My Journey - Part 1" I mentioned that I was having a hard time whether or not to homeschool. I am concerned about J's anger issues and I'm finally getting the assistance he is needing. I like this guy so far. I like him not b/c he has validated every argument and feeling I've been feeling he understands how J works. My only concern is he indicated to me that he would have to have sessions by himself with J. I'm not sure how to feel about that. I'm wondering if there is a way to get the background of a dr? I'm sure there is but I'm not sure how to go about it. I'll have to ask the people on FB. We've only gone on two sessions and it has been difficult. I'm not quite sure on who it has been difficult on? I'm hoping these sessions are going to be helpful b/c I've experienced explosions of anger AFTER the sessions when we get into the car.
With that said actually he has been doing fairly well with his anger but still need ALOT more help. I've been trying to figure out the things that trigger him but I think it's just me. I can't really say or do anything w/o getting him angry. I know one day that he will look back and say thanks. (I hope). I try to make sure since we're homeschooling that we go to a lot of the field trips and be part of a group out here. I've made sure that we go to the park days twice a month. I've been going back and forth as far as homeschooling or not. I went to a V-CHEO park day on Thrusday and I had a great time. I look forward to going to a Mom's Night Out on Monday. They are doing BUNCO! I LOVE Bunco. It's such a fun game. If you've never played you should. Anyways, I was talking to one of the ladies about whether or not to homeschool next year and she had given me some info on why I should continue to homeschool for the duration or long haul. I've been churning all the stuff she said and I've decided that I'm going to homeschool next year. I'm just taking it year after year. I've also been hanging out with another mom. Her name is Carolyn. She is nice and met her through J's boy scout troop. My thoughts on her is not to cross her b/c he will let you have it and won't let it go. She is nice but she seems like she gets her way a lot and the husband just lets her do whatever she wants. She is also homeschooling her daughter. Her daughter is in the 6th grade. Too bad. It would have been great to have her in the classroom with J. He needs the competition. But now that I'm going to homeschooling again now I have to prepare on what I'm going to be doing. I think I'll be doing the same Bible Study and the English. I think I'll have to look for something on American History. I'll and science. I think now I could breathe. I told Wade about that I had made up my mind about next year. The thing is I know I won't be getting the backing of my OTHER family members. I just know it would help J and keep him out of trouble. I mean if he gets into trouble at home how much trouble would he get into at school with his mouth? Ugh! I hate to think about that.
Now back to the original scheduled program. So in "My Journey - Part 1" I mentioned that I was having a hard time whether or not to homeschool. I am concerned about J's anger issues and I'm finally getting the assistance he is needing. I like this guy so far. I like him not b/c he has validated every argument and feeling I've been feeling he understands how J works. My only concern is he indicated to me that he would have to have sessions by himself with J. I'm not sure how to feel about that. I'm wondering if there is a way to get the background of a dr? I'm sure there is but I'm not sure how to go about it. I'll have to ask the people on FB. We've only gone on two sessions and it has been difficult. I'm not quite sure on who it has been difficult on? I'm hoping these sessions are going to be helpful b/c I've experienced explosions of anger AFTER the sessions when we get into the car.
With that said actually he has been doing fairly well with his anger but still need ALOT more help. I've been trying to figure out the things that trigger him but I think it's just me. I can't really say or do anything w/o getting him angry. I know one day that he will look back and say thanks. (I hope). I try to make sure since we're homeschooling that we go to a lot of the field trips and be part of a group out here. I've made sure that we go to the park days twice a month. I've been going back and forth as far as homeschooling or not. I went to a V-CHEO park day on Thrusday and I had a great time. I look forward to going to a Mom's Night Out on Monday. They are doing BUNCO! I LOVE Bunco. It's such a fun game. If you've never played you should. Anyways, I was talking to one of the ladies about whether or not to homeschool next year and she had given me some info on why I should continue to homeschool for the duration or long haul. I've been churning all the stuff she said and I've decided that I'm going to homeschool next year. I'm just taking it year after year. I've also been hanging out with another mom. Her name is Carolyn. She is nice and met her through J's boy scout troop. My thoughts on her is not to cross her b/c he will let you have it and won't let it go. She is nice but she seems like she gets her way a lot and the husband just lets her do whatever she wants. She is also homeschooling her daughter. Her daughter is in the 6th grade. Too bad. It would have been great to have her in the classroom with J. He needs the competition. But now that I'm going to homeschooling again now I have to prepare on what I'm going to be doing. I think I'll be doing the same Bible Study and the English. I think I'll have to look for something on American History. I'll and science. I think now I could breathe. I told Wade about that I had made up my mind about next year. The thing is I know I won't be getting the backing of my OTHER family members. I just know it would help J and keep him out of trouble. I mean if he gets into trouble at home how much trouble would he get into at school with his mouth? Ugh! I hate to think about that.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
My Journey
March 2, 2013, Saturday
As I label this particular blog today, "My Journey" I have to ask myself, "what journey am I on?" I have a couple of journeys that I'm on. For one, homeschooling mom. I'm just trying to figure out this homeschool stuff and IDK if it's working or not. J constantly wants me to stay home so I could homeschool him till he's out of school. Not sure how to take that one. I am constantly not wanting to but then again it would be good for him to be homeschooled. I'm constantly at a tugging of "what's right" and "what do I want." What's even MORE difficult is when the family isn't behind you on what your decisions are. All I'm getting is "JUST PUT HIM IN REGULAR SCHOOL AND BE DONE WITH IT." It's funny that I don't get any pep talks saying, "you know you could do this. You've been doing it for a couple of years now and you survived. You can do it."
March 6, 2013, Wedensday
Oh what a lovely day! NOT! So it started out pretty good until Jeremiah came out of his room and was doing his stretching. I decided to monitor his stretching routine and was counting out each movement. I was at a number that was not what he was supposed to b/c he finished before I was counting even to 30! I'm like what number was that that you stopped that excerise? he said 30 what? seconds, hold? he's IDK!!! What! What do you mean IDK? You're supposed to know. I told him to get the paper out and see how long you're supposed to be doing the excerises. IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE 60 SECONDS!!! Well, it's too long!!! WHAT THE HELL!!! My thought was, if you held it that long where would you be today if you kept it up? Then my next thought was, HOW LAZY CAN SOMEONE GET! Then it went down hill from there. So now he's doing his work on his own today. Am I wrong to get angry? I mean he was going to start his day w/o his pills!!! NO FREAKIN' WAY!!! Then he ran/walked over to the kitchen and took his pills and then ran back and kicked the dry erase board and he thought that was funny. Then he drank his water and spilled some water on the carpet!!! Of course he didn't blame himself for spilling or kicking the board. They spilled themselves and the board tripped him. WTH!!! He's such an asshole!!! UGH!!! Today we were going to start a new lesson on a book called Mik-Shrok. It would have been great!!!! Of course his attitude got in the way AGAIN and now he's on his own.
As I label this particular blog today, "My Journey" I have to ask myself, "what journey am I on?" I have a couple of journeys that I'm on. For one, homeschooling mom. I'm just trying to figure out this homeschool stuff and IDK if it's working or not. J constantly wants me to stay home so I could homeschool him till he's out of school. Not sure how to take that one. I am constantly not wanting to but then again it would be good for him to be homeschooled. I'm constantly at a tugging of "what's right" and "what do I want." What's even MORE difficult is when the family isn't behind you on what your decisions are. All I'm getting is "JUST PUT HIM IN REGULAR SCHOOL AND BE DONE WITH IT." It's funny that I don't get any pep talks saying, "you know you could do this. You've been doing it for a couple of years now and you survived. You can do it."
March 6, 2013, Wedensday
Oh what a lovely day! NOT! So it started out pretty good until Jeremiah came out of his room and was doing his stretching. I decided to monitor his stretching routine and was counting out each movement. I was at a number that was not what he was supposed to b/c he finished before I was counting even to 30! I'm like what number was that that you stopped that excerise? he said 30 what? seconds, hold? he's IDK!!! What! What do you mean IDK? You're supposed to know. I told him to get the paper out and see how long you're supposed to be doing the excerises. IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE 60 SECONDS!!! Well, it's too long!!! WHAT THE HELL!!! My thought was, if you held it that long where would you be today if you kept it up? Then my next thought was, HOW LAZY CAN SOMEONE GET! Then it went down hill from there. So now he's doing his work on his own today. Am I wrong to get angry? I mean he was going to start his day w/o his pills!!! NO FREAKIN' WAY!!! Then he ran/walked over to the kitchen and took his pills and then ran back and kicked the dry erase board and he thought that was funny. Then he drank his water and spilled some water on the carpet!!! Of course he didn't blame himself for spilling or kicking the board. They spilled themselves and the board tripped him. WTH!!! He's such an asshole!!! UGH!!! Today we were going to start a new lesson on a book called Mik-Shrok. It would have been great!!!! Of course his attitude got in the way AGAIN and now he's on his own.
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