Feeling Nothing

Sunday, March 17th

Well Happy St. Patrick's Day everyone!!! Had a good day (sort of) but the one thing I TRY to do is to interact with J.  Not that I'm always successful but at least I try.  I also try to walk away from him when he gets angry or rude or anything b/c of me.  Like I said I try but don't always succeed.  You eventhough I talk with Wade about things I STILL don't get a "atta boy."  You know I know it's only me, me being the only girl in the family, I feel like it's the "Guys against the Girls." I feel like I get seconds like I did when I was growing up.  I got last of the attention or none at all.  I try to let things go but I don't really ask for much but when I would like to purchase something I usually get the "we don't have the money" answer but Wade has no problem going to Big 5 or going to some sport store buying something for J without fail.  So when W buys these things, does he REALLY need them? I mean a rain cover for J's tent.  I mean does he really need it for this coming up weekends camping trip? I don't think so b/c it's not going to rain.  I mean we're going into the summer months and not that California has alot of rainny days in the summer.  There has been other things as well but not going to go there.  I think W makes up for me arguing with J constantly.  My feelings are with that is if he JUST does what he's supposed to do I wouldn't be yelling or on him in the second place. 

Like tonight, I simply went into J's room to talk to him (yes talk) about the assignments that he is suppose to get to me by Tuesday.  Of course, I get the lame ass excuse "I didn't have enough time." I'm so freakin' tired of the F-in excuse that just tells me you really don't freakin' care.  I could understand why some teachers just give up b/c the kids don't care.  I finally walk out of J's room b/c I'm so pissed off at his attitude.  It's 8:45 or so (close to 9:00pm) and I see W walking towards that direction.  I ask W to tell J to get ready for bed (start putting away things). Of course J says, "okay Dad, I'll do it in a minute." J's minute is like 30 min. later.  Anyways, I hear J getting yelled at by W b/c J was shooting W in the back with his Nerf gun.  W is yelling at J b/c it's not time to play it's time to get ready to go to bed! So I step in and show J that he has not even gotten ready for bed b/c he's got stuff on his bed, stuff on his floor etc.  Well, that didn't sit well with W and W starts yelling at me in front of J.  Well, I totally understand why J doesn't respect me is b/c W doesn't respect me as well.  J sees W yelling at me and so J is just fall suite.  I really shouldn't be yelling at J for being disrespectful to me at all.  It's W I should be yelling at. J is the innocent victum in our relationship. 

My relationship with W has totally gone down hill.  I understand why after couples are married for awhile on why they get divorced b/c after awhile one of the two can't stand them b/c either I have changed or W have changed.  I probably have changed a "bitch" b/c I have to deal with J whom I think most of the time is a real idiot! I mean J doesn't remember what he does or what he says.  That's pretty pathetic!!! It's real sad that I can't even have the relationship I want with my own son!!! I've seen other mom's relationships with their son and I'm envious of it.  I say one word or request something, I get yelled at by J.  I would really like to leave this situation and not worry about child custody or anything.  If I could I would really like to just walk out of this marriage and stop being a wife, and a mother and I don't think I'll have any heart feelings.  When W was yelling at me I didn't even feel bad that he's yelling at me.  Isn't that sad! It was just rolling off my back like water rolling off of a ducks feathers.  It didn't even sink in.  I guess it's like my parents.  Waiting out the time when I could just walk away and not have to worry about anyone or anybody.  Is it terrible that I'm thinking this way.  I mean W tells me he couldn't stand it if he lost me.  Well yelling at me in front of your son isn't going to help any! No wonder he doesn't respect me b/c you don't either.  I don't get any edifying or telling me when I'm feeling I can't do it that I can.  I mean I'm getting my edifying through my womans group than I'm getting with W.  Now that's sad.  Not even keep up the good work or you can do this. All I'm getting is, "it's whatever you want to do." or "you decided on this." Of course, I'm not going to get the backing I need from anyone.  I'm feeling all alone.  I need to somehow creat a real friendship with one or all of the women in the group and call them when I'm feeling low.  I mean I could do just that with S.W. and T.R. but I hate to always whine to them.  I just want to vent and I can't do it on FB.  I've got too many people that would bash me for what I WANT to say. Plus I would have ONE particular person REALLY hate me for posting the stuff I want to post as well.

Well enough venting.  Thank you for listening.