Feeling Lonely

Wednesday, March 27th

W had a talk with J AGAIN! Probably about what happened when we arrived at the ball park.  W didn't go b/c he went to the scout troop meeting.  I ask myself, "what did I do to deserve this child?"  I know God you have a purpose for me but why am I feeling so alone.  I mean living with two guys in the house isn't easy.  I feel it's like "guys night out every night." Maybe I'm wrong but sometimes I feel (IDK if I feel or think) that sometimes W doesn't care about me.  I know that's silly but I do at times feel that.  Isn't that sad? It is sad to think that after 24 years of marriage I feel this.  This maybe silly to think but ever since J came to the house W has....IDK.  Whatever!

I feel so lonely that I just want to cry.  I know I have  A LOT of girlfriends that I need or can call and talk but IDK if they can relate to what I'm saying.  I know at least one that can probably relate very well b/c she's in this situation and has been for a long time.  Maybe I'll call her tomorrow. 

I have had a lot of thoughts to just taking a gun and ending it! That would DEFINITELY put me out of misery.  I know that's not the answer but I don't know how much longer I can do this.  I'm trying to say to myself "just hang in there a little longer." "I can do this."  It's difficult when you're in an unfamiliar place and you don't anyone, you're not sure where to go or how far you can go w/o loosing your way.  I know God that this part of my life is a "season" in my life but how much longer do I have to go through it? I know it's all in Your time and not mine. 

Why does J irritate me so much? I don't get it!!! But not matter what he does he irritates me so much!!! Ugh!!! I'm so freakin mad right now I can't stand it!

IDK, maybe I'm not cut out to be a mom and just be an aunt.  I probably shouldn't have adopted J at all.  I mean I was such a nice person and now I've become a real bitch.  I mean I'm usually not this way at all but I've become this person since I've adopted or when J has come into our home.  I've been a raging bitch ever since.  Is that normal?  But then again what is normal?  J is always wanting to what's wrong with me.  I keep telling him that he doesn't want to know what I'm thinking b/c more than likely that my thoughts aren't nice and about him.  I don't usually regret many things in my life I think this is the first time I've regreted something. 

IDK why my heart is so hardened.  But I know that ever since J has come my heart has been hardening since.  I don't understand why though.  That's the problem.  I try to love him but how can I love someone when that person doesn't love me.  The other thing is, I'm not sure if I love him.  I'm not even sure if I love W anymore.  IDK what love is.  The only thing I feel that I love is B.  I know I used to know what love is but I'm not so sure anymore.

IDK.