Sad, Angered and bitter

November 10, 2013

So a lot has transpired since my last entry.  I decided to homeschool J AGAINST the better judgment of W. First off let me just say that was already a bad idea. I know! But to give J a SECOND chance I thought I would do the nice motherly thing (not sure Godly thing) but none the less Motherly thing and homeschool J.  So I thought I would advise J on Monday, Nov. 4th during school and let him know that I stuck my neck out for you so don't mess up.  Listen to what I ask you to do, on and off of school and we will continue to homeschool.  Tuesday, Nov. 5th we go to Dr. E and advise him that I decided I was going to continue to homeschool him and Dr. E. says to J to not mess it up and to pick your battles.  Dr. E even said that the things that we have come in to discuss that we have been arguing about has been little things and don't really need to be arguing about.  So we get done with that and go home and J gets a snack and he sits on the couch to eat it.  I ask him (nicely) to please go eat your snack at the table and he says NO! So we argue about that and I told him say "that's it. I'm submitting the school application tomorrow." J says, "no you won't." Me, "today." J runs outside after me and stands in front of the car do so I won't be able to get in the car.  So of course he says it's my fault b/c (J says) I don't care. Then J says (after going back and forth explaining to him it's not my fault) that "I don't like you." J says that we don't trust him.  I explained it him that we trusted him when he sat on the couch with a bag of Cheetoes and when he got up off of the couch he had a bunch of crumbs on the couch and so we made him clean it up so he could see what we are talking about.  I tried to explain it him that we trusted him and look where that go us.  Of course, nothing is his fault.

At first I was/am ANGRY, HURT, BITTER and anymore other adjectives that I could think of.  Lord I pray that You help me with my heart.  I know that You work on the heart and You look at the heart. Soften my heart to where You want it to be and have me to love this child b/c there must be a reason why you placed him in our house.  Give me understanding, patience and strength as we go through this difficult time in his tweens.  Please Lord soften his heart to be open to our teachings.  Work on his heart to help him to be open to Your teachings and work. 

I pray this all in Your name Amen.

Riddle Me this..........

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Riddle me this Batman!!! Sorry I couldn't help it.  I had to ask that question!!! Picture this scenario.....your kid comes up to you to ask you about if he could have his electronics back.  The father says no b/c it's not done with the two (2) weeks punishment.  The father and son discuss the issues of the punishment and father says that tonight (Wednesday) after midnight you are able to watch and get your electronics back.  Then father says to son......"since this is the last game of the world series why don't you watch the baseball game?" WTH!!!! You just let him watch t.v. (restriction from) after you JUST said that you're not allowed to have electronics!!!! I don't get it!!! Does that not make sense at all or is it just me?  IDK. 

Not happy for a while

Tuesday, October 2, 2013

Well, I think the homeschooling has finally come to an end.  These past few days have been TERRIBLE!!!!  I understand about the testosterone flowing threw someone but MAN is this really bad this time.  I don't know where the disrespect comes from or where he can get the idea that he can stand up to me or to his father.  I don't get it.  So at this time the homeschooling is no longer healthy for the two of us, that family or the house.  It would be nice to send him off to school if we had a good school district to or school to send him to.  The schools out here are TERRIBLE.  They have gangs that form in the school and there are a lot of fights that happen.  Now IDK whether the fights start from the kids I know to survive but that still doesn't make it right.  I'm saddened by this b/c I really enjoy homeschooling when you don't have a student that argues with you about doing the work or doing the work in a timely manner.  The words that are said are hurtful and when you have a student that says things that are hurtful (plus you have a child that doesn't FEEL they are hurtful) it is hard to homeschool.  My heart cries out for you God.  I pray that you would soften my heart.  Take away this burden from my heart that I have turn it into Your goodness and love.  Have me to love my son the way You love him.  Show me that I can love him like You.  How DO I love the unloveable? The way I look at it is I pray that this school change would turn out to be a good thing.  I hope he soars higher than he did when I was homeschooling him.  I hope he likes what he is doing and thrives on wanting to do more.  I pray that he is eager to do what he needs to do and that he can keep up. Lord pour Your love upon to this household.  We are in desperate need of Your kindness, love and grace.  Hold this family together as You want it to be.  Take these dark thoughts from my head.  Pour Your grace and wisdom upon me.  Have me to be the light for J and have me to love him and not hate him.  Have me NOT to regret my choice and have me to Thank God that we adopted him.  I pray that You take J and You give him Your grace and Your wisdom. Have him to learn to love those that are not like him.  Have to learn to make friends and keep them.  Have him to run and play and have fun like other kids can do.  Have to be broken and be obedient and honor the parents he has.  Have to be grateful for the things You have provided for him.  Have him to have hope love peace and joy. 

I pray that You take away my dark thoughts.  Take away the thoughts of suicide.  Take away the thoughts of trying to figure out how I could do it w/o feeling the pain b/c I've been feeling too much pain for awhile.  It's been so long since I've been or felt happy IDK what it is to be happy or to feel happy.  Have those feelings come back to me and to this family.  Have me to want to be part of this family.  Have me to WANT to be a Mom.  Have me to have a great experience in being a parent.  I would like to have the relationship with my son. 

Respect?

Monday, October 7, 2013

So J asks a question a few weeks back on what is respect? REALLY? He supposed to know that b/c we (or at least I do) try to teach him that so why would he be asking what that meant?  It amazes me that J does not give me the respect that I deserve.  All I ask is to have him do certain things and just do them w/o moaning, groaning, griping and complaining but he does.  I don't really ask him to like jump off a tall building, or go run down to the store and buy groceries for me and walk home.  I just want him to do as I ask w/o out anything or rolling of the eyes.  I actually witness he can do it today.  He actually go all his homework and work done by 3:30ish.  I was very excited for him and I even complimented him on that.  I give him time to watch t.v. and let him have a snack!!! I mean I could have so told him NO and be a total bitch about it. 

I often wonder if I'm being too hard on him in trying to teach him to be a gentleman when he is totally incapable of being that.  With having him have Aspergers the children don't exactly have feelings or understand about social manners or anything.  So am I expecting too much or trying to teach the unteachable? I'm not sure. 

It's been a while since I even said anything on FB b/c I get yelled at just by venting.  I sometimes I just want to vent and get things off my chest.  I sometimes feel that when I go to W I'm more of a sibling and telling on J than a mother that is concerned about rules? When he goes to bed I don't the motion like he's going to hug me like he does to GM or W but then again I don't motion to him either b/c I'm mad at him.  I mean, he yells at me and then turns around to think everything is hunky dory and I'm supposed to forgive him for yelling at me and give him a hug?  I don't think so!!! I'm sorry I can't forgive knowing I'm going to be yelled at soon or right after I forgive him.  I get the yelling the most b/c W isn't involved with him that much.  Only in scouts or maybe once a month at a camping trip or maybe on weekends.  I look forward to the times when I'm not at home and by myself.  I love it.  I don't have to deal with him or talk to him.  I try not to deal with him when I'm at home or react to his stuff that he says or does.  I try to look the other way.

You know since I've started this blog.  I actually have been feeling better and not coming on here to write with a sad or angry heart.  Yes my heart is sad and hurt but it's different when I come on here.  I feel like I'm talking to someone that understands me and listens to me and not judge me b/c I feel that sometimes W judges me on my parenting skills or my thought on why I do things. 

But anyways, I thank you for listening. :D

Feeling Trapped

September 20, 2013

Well, it's our FIRST official full week of school and we have fought EVERY DAY this week.  Isn't that lovely!! Ugh!! You know you've had a long week when you can realize that you've fought everyday.  The school just started and you want to kill yourself already.  Oh wait, I've been wanting to kill myself for a while now!!!! It's sad that when you don't love your child as how other parents love their child.  It just seems like I'm just going through the motion of being there for him to argue with and to be beaten up on.  It wearing on the attitude and on the mind.  I know somewhere it's wearing on the physical as well but not sure where it fits in all that.  Anyways, I feel alone here in this quest of homeschooling.  Well, I've felt alone since I've started.  W hasn't really been supportive, well, I should say he has been supportive but not the kind of supportive as I would like.  I wish he would be supportive like I could say something like complain a little and not have to worry about having it thrown back in my face. I know it would come back to me in the form of "you CHOSE to homeschool him."  Why can't I just complain and not expect to have an answer back.  B/c he complains so much about the troop and not do anything about it.  I mean if you complain something about something so much wouldn't you want to do something about it? IDK, maybe I'm weird but if someone suggests that you should do something about it maybe you should!!!

You know, I wish I had a gun right now.  I'm SO in the mood to shoot myself and get the pain over with.  I know no one would miss me b/c it would make their lives much easier and I know it would make mine A LOT simpler.  But then again, God, I know you're listening to all this and not sure if killing yourself is a sin.  I don't know if that's in the Bible or not.  I know I'm a sinner and I've yelled at J today  Please forgive me of my sin and have me to just not be with him anymore.  If you think that something should happen to me please let it happen but quickly.  Have the tragic thing happen when J is not in the car (at least).  If it is my time take me.  I'm SO ready for that.  I know my life is not as bad as some but at this moment (to me) it is.  Have you ever felt that you were so alone in life that you don't have anyone you can count on to just listen or not say anything back? I have people I could probably go to but IDK if they would just sit back and let me talk the way I want to talk.  People may talk wondering what's wrong with me or may say something to someone.  What's wrong with just talking and wanting to have your life to end? With so many people committing suicide I could understand why people would do that.  I'm in that dark place and I don't know if I could get out of it.  There are only two ways that I could get out of it: 1) by killing oneself 2) by leaving and never coming back.  I know if I left, I know that W would have a lot of help with his mom and J would be put in school and be taken care of.  Maybe not the way that I think he should be taken care of but at least be covered.  While I was taking a shower, I realized that I'm NEVER away from J at any given time during the day OR night.  Here is my complaint: W is out of the house for however many hours during the day and so is his mom.  That leaves me.  I leave the house for 1 hr out of my day and I'm with him 24/7.  No wonder I'm going crazy but some people is this household don't see it that way.  I'm told I'm supposed to take him on my hr workouts with me.  Just b/c he can't get off his lazy butt doesn't mean he has to go with me on my runs with my dog.  J should be able to take care of himself since he is 12! At what point is it that he needs to start taking care of himself (at learn)? At what point do I start loving my child? At what point am I supposed to wish he would never leave the house? I'm always telling him to leave or for me to leave.  I'm still waiting for that moment when his brain switches on to where and so does the common sense.  It's funny that when we're in the car he rags on people about they don't have common sense when J doesn't even have any common sense either.

Lord I pray that You hear my cries.  Give the strength to continue on and give me comfort and pour the joy of Your word in my heart.  Take this feeling from me and replace it with Your patients and love.  Please bring the Joy to my heart as you continue to say in your word.  Amen.

School Time!

September 19, 2013

Well, this is the second (2nd) seek of school and I've already regret my decision.  Well, let's just say I regret teaching him but not keeping him home from school from the other reasons.  I guess my other reason.ns would be making sure he gets the attention he needs but I think that sometimes it's too much. I've tried to be patient but SOMEtimes he just gets under my skin.  Like I've said, I HATE the issues he has and maybe if you take away the issues then maybe I would LOVE the kid. But I know that's just not going to happen.  I try to love the kid AND the issues but sometimes it is difficult to do. 

We've already have been fighting this week and it's only Thursday.  The big one was Tuesday on our way to see Dr. E. As always the issue and I think will always will be the radio in the car.  I have the volume low (I like it that way) but J doesn't.  He wants the volume higher but as the driver I've had the volume on high and I've had it to where I would be driving along and all of a sudden I'd see the ambulance.  So NOW I make sure my volume in my car is low so I may hear the police, fire trucks or ambulance.  But anyways, J wanted it higher in the volume (he asked nicely) and I answered no. You would think he would be respectful and accept that answer but NO he didn't he wanted to continue to fight my answer and be me down to answer yes.  But to no avail..... I held my ground and said no and don't touch my stuff in my car.  He didn't like that and he went on another tangent.  We finally got to Dr. E and we went in our session and guess what!!!! I feel validated that I have someone on my side (for once) to let him know that he total disrespected my authority.  It's like what he said on Tuesday.  We were in school and he "started" to ask me something about Wednesday.  I told him, "I didn't want to think about tomorrow, I just want to get today over with." J says, "okay, but I ....." Again I tell him, "I told you, I don't want to talk about tomorrow, just want to get through today." So he actually dropped it but I get totally disrespected constantly and it wears on me to where I feel like I'm beat down by a baseball bat. 

I'm hoping today will be a better day.  I pray the Lord bring me peace and understanding.  Lord help me with my tongue and my attitude.  Help me to love the unloveable. Amen.

Labor Day Fiasco!!!!

September 2, 2013 (Labor Day)

Happy Labor Day everyone! It still baffles me that today is Labor Day and people aren't supposed to labor but they do.  That's funny!!!

It was a great humid day in Moreno Valley and it started out great with a cup of coffee and pancakes!!! How I love pancakes!!! Anyways, J got up and ended up coming to the table for breakfast so I ended up eating faster and leaving the table.  For some reason I can't STAND sitting across from J and look at him eating.  Isn't that sad! I try to NOT be in the same room as J but today was different.  Everything was fine and dandy up until 4:30!!! At that time I had asked him to feed the animals and I left him to finish up fixing his bed.  Shortly after that Grandma went to his room and told him the same thing.  I didn't say anything or do anything but finally around 4:45 he came out to feed the animals.  He first fed Pearl (cat) as always and then came Babe (dog).  It just seems like every time he is supposed to feed Babe, J makes her wait!!! I DON'T understand why.  I left the kitchen and came back to find J gone and NOT feeding Babe!!! J was wanting to BBQ b/c he was wanting to help with cooking of the ribs we were having for dinner.  When I didn't see J making an effort to feed Babe, I went ahead and took over the task at hand.  I wasn't going to be waiting for J to feed Babe for whatever reason.  So I got the dry food and came back into the kitchen and that was when J grabbed for the dog bowl.  I told him to let go, I got it and I am going to feed Babe! He of course didn't and we got into it.  He stood close and go into my face and I told him to not be in my face!!! I pushed him away b/c he was in my face!!! Then when I looked into the frig to see if there was a can of dog food J ran into the garage to get the can I need to feed the dog.  I went out there to get the can from him and he wouldn't give it to me so I threw my spoon that I had in my hand at him.  He wanted to take over but I refused to let him do b/c it wasn't the issue of feeding the dog it was that he decided to NOT feed her when I asked him to from the beginning. 

Here we go again!!! WHY CAN'T HE JUST DO WHAT I ASK HIM TO DO WHEN I ASK IT!!! WHY DO EVERYTHING HAS TO BE ON HIS TERMS B/C HE WON'T BE DOING IT!!! Oh Gosh!!!

I just want to either KILL MYSELF or run away!!! either one is good!!!

3 kind words a day!

August 19, 2013

So my challenge from my girlfriend is that I'm supposed to say 3 kind words a day!!! Well actually that started this past weekend and I've failed since day one! I'm trying VERY hard to say kind words but come one J doesn't make it any easier.  I when he does stupid stuff such as crawl through the DOG DOOR and the next thing I hear is "ow".  What am I supposed to think!!! My thinking is that if he didn't crawl through the dog door in the first place he wouldn't have hurt himself in the second place.  Amazing how that works out.  The other thing is that if he listened to me in the first place maybe we wouldn't be fighting in the second place. You know I have thought that a lot of these arguments were b/c of me but now I know that it is NOT me and it's all him b/c if he would just do what I ask him to do then we would be smooth sailing from here.

Like now, he's taking a test and he's so drama!!! He's put his head on the table and dropped his pencil and I waited for him to pick it up off the floor.  So I waited and waited and waited.  Finally I had to say "three, two, one." Finally at "two" he picked up his pencil and he's not exactly focusing on his test.  You see when I correct it and if there is a problem that's wrong then he'll blame me b/c he didn't know it or something else or I didn't help him etc.  He says that he wants responsibility but yet he's not taking responsibility for his own actions and won't EVER say he is wrong especially when I prove him wrong.  He'll say it's someone else's fault or I didn't do that etc.  So how can I give him MORE responsibility when he won't be responsible for his own stuff FIRST!!!

Back to kind words!!! You know I'm homeschooling him AGAIN this year!!! I already regret my decision b/c I know how it's going to be.  Arguing EVERY DAY and telling him to give his quarter b/c he's a minute late, don't yell at me etc.  He tells me he's not going to do that but I don't believe that one for a second.  As a matter of fact, I don't believe anything he tells me at any given moment b/c I ask him what he's doing and he says, "nothing." To me if it's "nothing" then you're doing something wrong and you don't want to tell me what you're doing b/c if you did then you would get in trouble for what you're NOT supposed to be doing! So how often does he lie!?! quite a bit.  He tells me he doesn't do that either!!! To me a lie is a lie not matter how you look at it.  No wonder I don't believe him in anything he says. 

Yesterday at church, it really hit me hard.  Maybe b/c I was feeling guilty on what I've been saying to him lately.  Calling him names (bad ones) but that's what is on my mind.  I calls it as I sees it!! That's my motto.  I know God it's a terrible one.  But you those parents that talk about how much they love their kids and they are spending time with them having a great time.  Not me.  I don't love my kid and I hate him and I don't like to spend time with him.  That's why I don't like to be in the same room with him or do anything with him b/c I hate him! I know "hate" is a strong word but I think it sums it up pretty well.  I don't know any other word for it but that! I do hate him and I don't even know what loving a child is all about.  IDK, maybe it was never my own and never bonded with him or something.  I feel like a long life baby sitter and that I wish I could give him back anytime and live the life I had before he came.  I know, it's that old saying, "be careful what you pray for." I know I didn't ask for a normal kid or a kid that didn't have anything wrong or anything.  All I asked for was a kid.  Shame on me for not asking specifically what I was wanting. The only thing I sum up J is that he's a walking A**hole!!! He just has that attitude of an A**hole!!  IDK why but he just fits in that mold.  I know it's mean but it's true.  It's not nice I know to express my thoughts but I can't help myself.  He brings out the worst in me. 

Like right now, I don't get it! He's moans and groans and yawns and makes noise.  I'm trying not to react b/c if I do then he wins.  There are times I know that he does things on purpose just to piss me off.  The sad thing is I fall for it every single time.  Right now he was doing something and not focusing on his test and I look at him and he says "what."  So much for our talk yesterday.  Like I said to him.  Nothing gets resolved b/c it keeps happening RIGHT after we talk about it and he does the SAME thing AGAIN w/o fail.  That's why there is no resolution to our arguments and then moments later he comes over to ask us for a hug when we are still stewing over what started the argument and he's been over it for a while now.  It's like a "hit and run" situation. J hits us and he runs and never looks back on how many times he has hurt us.  So when he tries to do something for us we don't say thank you or anything.  This is part of the Aspergers.  Kids/people with that don't know how to feel or are aware they have done something to anyone and not that they don't care it's just they are not aware of what they are doing to those people.  They don't see the "dead" bodies that are left on the side of the road.  Unfortunately, the care takers or parents that have kids like this or adults that like that have to be able to forgive and move on.  It's so hard to do that when you're constantly being run over. 

Well, another argument just happened.  He was unfocused on his work and I told him that he CAN run!! Well, start at the beginning.  I make him run a few laps to help with his unfocused attitude and to help him get exercise.  So since he was unfocused I made him run a few laps.  So he says he "can't do it" b/c he hasn't run much or done much in exercise this whole summer and therefore he can't continuously run a 1/4 of mile w/o being winded!! So he keeps telling me "he can't" and then I said "you're right". I agree with you you  can't do it.  Then when I tell him that he can't he says why are saying that. I'm only repeating what he just said! Is he not aware of what he says???? OMG!!! And he gets mad at me for repeating what he says.  He tells me that I support him.  You know he doesn't realize or is aware that I'm ALWAYS in his corner to be there for him and help him with whatever he needs me to do.  And all I get is being yelled at or tell me that I start the fights or I do it b/c I like to argue. I get so sick of being this bad person that I have not be myself to be a good person.

I'm ending this argument by leaving.  Good bye!

What's going on!

Thursday, August 15, 2013

It's Thursday, August 15th and I thought I was doing something nice for my dog AND for J. It started like any other Thursday.  Arguing!!! Yes, again!!! I was trying to get him to focus to get his work done but of course, he would not have any of that! I did remind him that he needed to be done by 10:30 to go pick up poo and the other things that needed to be done before leaving to Long Beach.  I'm house sitting for a week and I thought I would be nice to take J and Babe with me! You know I regret every second about it.  I mean once we finally got everything in the car and started driving it was good b/c we don't talk when we're in the car.  Aw peace and quiet for ONCE!!! Babe was in the car as well.  I thought I was doing something nice for her too!!! But I don't think she was doing so well when got closer to the house where we are staying.  I look over my right shoulder and I saw that she threw up in my car!!! Ugh!!! Not good.  I knew she wasn't feeling well b/c she has runny poo.  That's never good when it comes to that.  But so I digress.  I just needed to get her to the house and then she'll be fine.  J helped a little bit to clean up the throw up but you know how kids are.  They don't really do a REALLY good job just surface clean.  So we drive up to the house and we have the windows down and she JUMPS out of the car w/o having us open the door!!! OMG, luckily I had stopped in the driveway when she did that but then she makes a bee line drive to the next door neighbors dogs and rile them up and then she comes back over the house!!! I finally tag her down and proceed to beat the crap out of her and tell her what a bad girl she was to do that.  Of course she is yelping and crying her heart out and I felt bad but come on!!! I let her in the backyard and her and Buddy start to play a little but she was a little freaked out by my grabbing her etc.

Like Father Like Son

August 7, 2013

It's a beautiful Wednesday morning in Mo Val and yes folks, it has already started.  The disrespect! Now what's surprising is the disrespect didn't come from (well it did but not the source) J it actually came from W! Yes I know! Surprising huh! Yeah I thought so.  It started Tuesday afternoon, after school when J had homework to do.  I reminded him many times that he was to get the homework done before he went to his troop meeting.  I know the threat was there but nothing happened.  So what if he didn't finish his homework, what would have happened nothing! See that's why I hate being so involved in J's life. It doesn't matter we have to go to his troop meetings anyways and he might as well come anyways. Anyways, I told him about his homework and of course the answer I get is "I will!" Yeah I heard that before!!! So what happens, it doesn't get done! So we go to the Troop meeting. 

Wednesday morning: I wake up early and get my run in (nice one BTW). I get back and I see J having breakfast (me thinking he has already done his homework) and I ask him did you do your homework? J says, "no, I will." Oh those infamous words again!!!  So I get on J about that and I don't get any help from W at all!!! I'm left to fend for myself to get on him about that!!! You know I remember when we first got J.  W didn't want to have anything to do with him at first then he slowly warmed up to him and started to deal with him.  Not helping in the sense of watching him or anything like that.  I mean being there while I cook dinner! So anyways back to what I was saying, I just tell J that I don't think he should be watching t.v. b/c he has homework to do.  J says, "I will!" Of course after I take my shower, I see BOTH W & J watching t.v. and J not doing his homework!!! So now, after t.v. (you see, J ALWAYS finds time for t.v.) and when I get told "I didn't have the time." is not cutting with me anymore! I'm tired of that excuse! You see, if you spent that time doing your homework that you spent watching it, you would be done!

Now I know where J gets his disrespect from.  W is JUST as bad as J.  I see how W talks to his mom.  Just like J talks to me! J is only mirroring W on what he see and does.  But you know W won't admit to that! So I'm STUCK! I know I could leave at any time b/c I have a place where I can go and stay.  It's just a matter of timing or actually doing it.  But for how long can I deal with this?  Should I deal with this? I will continue to pray upon the Lord and see what He wants for me.

Have you ever......?

January 28, 2013

Have you ever looked back on your life and know EXACTLY where it went wrong? I know just that day, well not exactly the day but what event happened that my life was changed.  Not exactly for the better either.  It was when we sold the Hersholt house.   That house was so cute and so perfect.  It was so fun to be in too.  I loved the neighbors and the neighbors loved us.  It's where we started the family and where the family was broken up.  It all started with Wade being in business with this stupid chick.  I think I may told this story but just in case I haven't here it is.  Well, he was in business with this lady that I didn't have a good feeling about. Talk about when you're reading in the Bible and the Bible talks about people are not what they seem (I'm paraphrasing of course). She seemed nice and everything but I couldn't figure out what was wrong with her until she continued to take the money and nothing came of it.

WTH is happening to the Holland Family?

Monday, July 1, 2013

Well, it's been quite a few days lately.  I've actually been cyber-bullied on facebook and all I did was put something on my page in what I believe.  If I'm to be a representation of the Lord Jesus Christ aren't I supposed to be standing up for Him? In this instance I am standing up for the Lord and I guess in the process I pissed a couple of people off.  I guess the old saying goes, "if you don't piss people off you're not fighting hard enough." Well, I guess I'm fighting hard enough b/c I've done just that.  I've been "unfriended" by Wade's cousin, Christopher and Fabian Holland (I guess since they could married they went ahead and did that).  I would assume they got married since it was okayed by the judges in California.  Look, putting belief aside, I STILL believe that marriage is 1-man, 1-woman b/c if it wasn't supposed to be a man would have a hole in his tant and be able to have kids and women would have a penis and be able to have babies as well.  Since that isn't the case then there has to be a man and a woman to procreate the human race.  A sin is a sin no matter how you look at it.  I mean my sin isn't any better than the Gay/Lesbian sin, it's still a sin.  It's funny how when Chris and Fabian came down to our house in Long Beach and stayed there and I gave them stuff to have a nice evening with and we love them not matter what. When I announce what I believe I get unfriended and say that I will never be in their son's life (not that I was EVER in his life to begin with).  I did send him an Easter gift and didn't get a thank you card for that or even a mention on FB.  Chris did mention that he got Easter gifts but not from whom.  Then they also got a gift from Mom that she crocheted or knitted and again, no thank you card of picture with them on.  That's totally disrespecting of Chris's Aunt right there and not a good then at all. 

Then I have Wade's nephew, Josh, that chimes in on the piece where I put my post. He obviously don't know me very well but I would never call gay people an abomination. He is Atheist so what the heck does he care?

It's been a Year!

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Since my last post (June 10th) some things have progressed and something have not.  The attitude continues with J.  We've been dealing with J's attitude for quite sometime and it get a little tiring.  I've been REALLY hard to not get into arguments with him but he makes it real difficult when he's trying to make his point when there is not point to make at all.  Just recently he told us (W & T) that we yell at him for no reason at all.  That we don't treat him like an equal! I'm saddened that he feels this way b/c since he really doesn't have anyone out there to play with but then again he doesn't really make an effort to make friends either.  I make it a point to go to park days and not that we're starting school back up again soon in September I'm back together in the Co-op I hope that he makes friends.  I know part of his issue (the Aspergers) the ability to make AND keep friends.  He needs work with making contact with them and creating a conversation.  Some kids don't like that and/or don't know how to deal with this type of disability.  I'm hoping with joining the co-op again that he is able to do that.  I feel sometimes so overwhelmed with this issue that all I want to do is run away and never come back.  I wish I've met someone with this type of issue so I could see what I'm looking towards.  Plus on top of all this J is a tween.  He thinks he's a teenager but he's not.    In order for me not to have any contact with him I try to not talk to him or I walk out of the room.  We've been seeing this therapist, Dr. E.  He's a nice man.  When we first started going to him I thought I was doing something wrong but come to find out it is all him and not all me. It's great to hear that b/c I was beginning to think it was all me and I'm the one who is the mean person.  I know that I could probably treat J better and talk to him in a nice manner but he doesn't help either when I ask him to do something he gives me an attitude. 

It's been a year since we've moved out to Moreno Valley.  Boy that year went by fast.  I was really hoping that we would have been a little farther than where we are today.  We're still at Mom's house (thank goodness) but in a way, I'm wish we had out own place.  At first when we

WHAT THE HELL!

Monday, August 5, 2013

So I get home from a meeting and I just asked a question to see if J brushed his teeth? I saw that he was talking to his Dad and I know how some conversations go, and go and go and go and go and go and what if, and go and what if and go. So I say AGAIN J have you brushed your teeth yet? And they are STILL talking (this was 8:50) and still talking, and talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and talking.  So 5 min later I ask again, J have your brushed your teeth yet? I get a NO I HAVEN'T!!! So now it's 9:06 pm and (AFTER HIS BEDTIME).  So J is supposed to be in bed by now but is he in bed...........NO!!! I get accused of being so tough so IDC (I don't care) what time he goes to be anymore if no one else cares.  I'm getting tired of the one who gives a rip about things around here!!! I mean I'm the one who has to deal with him when he has to get up in the morning grumpy or having a blow out in the morning etc.  Not W. I'm just trying to get thing head off at the pass so I DON'THAVE TO DEAL WITH IT IN THE MORNING!!! But I guess W doesn't see it that way.  So I'm not worried about having him go to bed either.  I remind J about his pills every night and make sure he goes to bed on time.  I guess if W doesn't care I don't care either.  As a matter of fact, I'm don't care he has a job or not b/c I feel with everything we have been through the last few years is W's fault!!! It all stems from the Hersholt house.  If he didn't sell the house and we didn't move then I think things would have been different.  It all started there! There is so much crap I have to deal with when I'm the only woman in the family.  I know where all the attitude stems from and it stems from W.  W doesn't wash the clothes, dishes or clean so J sees it and asks himself as to Why do I have to do this stuff if Dad doesn't.  Fair question.  I think that we would have a different child if W would do some of the things that J has to do.  I think the attitude would be different if he would just sometimes keep his mouth shut as well.  I mean I have to bite my tongue a lot a lot of the time here.  I mean W doesn't lift a finger for his mom when he is asked to do something from his Mom.  I mean I see it the way he speaks to his Mom and it's the SAME way J speaks to me! I know it stems from W a lot of the time.  Unfortunately, W doesn't see it that way and he walks around like his shit doesn't stink.  I sometimes think that God is working on me to be obedient to God and to work on my patience.  Actually, I don't sometimes think, I KNOW God is working on me all the time. 

I feel that being on FB doesn't help with me venting b/c W is on there and plus I get critized for me venting on FB from family.  I get accused on there from FAMILY and not only friends. Family defriends me b/c of something I believe (which IDC) b/c if that's the way they think I am then FUCK THEM!!! IDC if they have been straightened out the fact that they thought that.  If they thought that then they don't know me very well and don't care to get to know me and they think their Uncle married someone like that!!! W's cousin C & F.  I stand up to what I believe and I post it on my FB acct and they think I would think that Gay people are an abomination! REALLY, I'm not one to judge anyone b/c it says in the Bible that I'm not to judge less I be judged!!! Well, God has judged me and/or will judge me when the time comes! I just think that a marriage is between ONE MAN/ONE WOMAN! The Holland clan is such BULLSHIT!!! THEY ARE ALL FREAKIN' CRAZY!!

I'm getting dropped left and right by THAT side of the family.  It's going to be interesting when it comes time to a family reunion. I'm just going to get up and walk away if someone brings that crap up!!! B/c I don't want to get into it and have to explain myself! Why should I anyways.  I should be the one receiving an apology from his family but will I EVER.............NO! I will probably get beat down again from verbal abuse from his family AGAIN!!! H (sister) says they straightened out J (son).  I doubt that very much!! Beside if he was straightened out then I think H (sister) should have told J (son) to say sorry to me for saying what he said!!! Will I EVER get that...............NO! I'm sick of his family BS!!!

Getting Mad!! I'm SO sick of it!

Monday, June 10, 2013

It has been awhile since I last posted but just to give you an update God, which I'm sure You don't need an update but I'm going to tell you anyways.  Since the last time I posted (May 16th) I was talking about NOT sending J to Landmark Middle School.  You know, the one thing I don't like is a hypocrite!!! OMG! That's my pet peeve.  I hope seriously I'm not like that at all b/c don't go talking about the schools around us AREN'T good and say "I would be homeschooling, instead of sending him to school." Then I say that I'm going to be homeschooling J, I don't get support AT ALL!!! Don't go tell me that I need to do something to help the family!!! WTH!!!! I AM helping the family by 1) trying to get food stamps AND medical care and 2).  educating my kid!!!  The sad thing is  that I'm NOT getting any support from W!!! THAT'S DISAPPOINTING!!! I'm not sending my kid to a school that has the probability of getting picked on etc.  I get sad when I'm not supported in what I believe is NEEDED.  I'm told that I need to go out and get a job!!! Well, why isn't your SON doing what he's supposed to be doing to go out and getting a job!!! Yes I'm a little pissed of inside now.  I'm ready to explode!!!!

I guess I feel better now! I'm all talked out.  But getting tired of driving long distance.  I think what I would like to hear once in awhile is good job but I don't get that.  All I get is "you fighting with him, him fighting with you." I'm just tired of it!

School District is NOT looking too good!

Thursday, May 16, 2013

You know the more and more I talk to some parents that live in this area and have kids go to the Mo Val schools makes me NOT want to send Jeremiah to Landmark!!! I'm hearing now that a mom from the Boy Scout Troop, her son, got suspended from high school.  He got caught with marijuana in his backpack.  Of course he said that it wasn't his but still.  I'm not blaming the school for that one but that mom was telling me the high school isn't good but trying to be good.  When it first opened it was good but it got bad really fast b/c the teachers were telling the students what they really thought about them and not so good language.  Then the teachers would grade the papers on how they looked or if they liked the student or not!!! WTF!!!! Now that mom's son is going to be attending a military school that is close to here but is in for a rude awakening!!! I pray for this School District b/c it seems like it needs a lot of help with the kids and teachers!!! It seems real ghetto out here and I'm afraid that J will loose his innocence real fast.  He's a good kid and I don't want him to loose that! I mean I know what I need to do but he doesn't make it easy for me.  I'm just going to hunker down and pick my battles!!!

Otherwise I'm going to have a kid that's really unruly.  I mean there is another kid that WAS in our troop that all of a sudden dropped out!!! It was real surprising b/c I thought he was having a good time and was enjoy the boys and making friends with them.  As I'm talking to my MIL A is on a downward spiral and I pray that he is able to turn it around to where he can see light.  I pray the Lord shed some light upon this child to show him the way of the Lord. I pray the he sees God's light. My MIL was also telling me that the teacher was helping either or at least taking the time to come up with a solution.  The tutor wasn't helping him either. 

Update

May 9th, 2013

Well, from my last blog I've been going back and forth about sending J to school, ESPECIALLY to Landmark! OMG, I'm not just hearing bad things from parents, I'm hearing bad things from the kids.  What do I do with that! W is wanting him to go there and have me to have PEACE! Well, if I'm to have peace then the Lord bring a job to me so it wouldn't allow me to home school J then! I want to home school him b/c it's the right thing TO do.  I'm at peace when I decide but when I say Landmark I'm churning inside.  I hope I'm not doing the same thing like I did at his other elementary school.  I was right about sending him there.  I knew it was a mistake but I had to b/c he had to see the difference between the two.  When he wanted me to home school him this year I was excited.  I was telling a girlfriend of mine that it's nice my season to have MY peace but it is the season to have J have his peace.  I'm just worried about J and how he is going to do, not educational but socially. 

IDK, what I'm going to do!!!

The Deed is Done

Monday, April 29th, 2013

Well, it's done.  I have "J" registered for middle school.  Do I like it? Yes and no.  I like it b/c I don't have to deal with him anymore and his attitude.  I don't like it b/c I know what's going to happen.  I'll be stuck helping him do his homework every night for two (2), yes I said 2, hours or more. I might as well teach him at home!!! If I'm going to be the one doing that I might as well home school him.

But "W" wants me to put him in there for our own sakes.  I agree with that but then I don't.  I agree with him as far as keeping the peace but after going through my head, it's not that school IS or WAS bad it's the AFTER school that's crazy.  I mean if he would just DO what we ask him to do then the house wouldn't be in kaos. 

"W" got home from work and he asked me if I had found the birth certificate.  I said yes, and also told him that it's done.  W asks "what's done?" T says "he's registered for school." W asks, "when does he start school?" "In August," T says. J says, "WHAT! No!!!" T says to herself, "then maybe you should have listened and done what you're supposed to do. Oh well." 

I'm praying very hard to the Lord to give me peace and understanding through this whole thing.  I pray the Lord watch out for J as he ventures out into a new school.  I pray J learns quickly how middle school works and stays out of trouble and keeps his cool. 

Yes I have reservations on this.  I always do when it comes to his education b/c I worry about what other teachers will treat him.  Some teachers are not forgiving and patient.  Some are but the majority aren't.  I worry that they don't help him and that they won't spend the time that is needed.  I pray that the teachers help and watch out for him when he needs assistance. 

Conflicted

April 25th, 2013

Well he did it! J finally made me cry.  Actually it felt REALLY good to do that.  What had happened was that J had an English assignment that is due tomorrow (Friday, April 26th) and he was looking up a word in the dictionary.  I had walked to the front from my room and saw that he was STILL looking up the word in the dictionary.  I reached for it to help him out (actually I grabbed for it) and he pulled the book from me and he broke my thumb nail way below the line where my flesh is and it hurt so bad I grabbed my thumb and it hurt like an SOB!!! So I walked to the bathroom and he of course he followed me but I told him to get away from me.  Of course I didn't talk to J for awhile.  Of course he said sorry.  Not that I believed him.

I haven't decided  whether to homeschool him or send him to school.  IDK, what to do.  I'm so conflicted on what to do.  For one, I'm afraid on what the family would say.  My question is, should I care what the family thinks or says when it comes to J's education? I mean his education is more important than what the family thinks or says. The other thing is J's attitude, anger and argument.  The next thing is the assignments I'm going to assigning him.  I mean HE TAKES F-O-R-E-V-E-R!!! I mean it!! OMG!! I had to take over tonight on an assignment that he was doing for 4 days b/c it took him F-O-R-E-V-E-R!!!!

Homeschooling takes so much out of me each day.  I mean there are good days but the bad days are out weighing the good days. I wish it was the other way around.  Then I guess I wouldn't have to worry about what other people are thinking or saying.

Feeling Lonely

Wednesday, March 27th

W had a talk with J AGAIN! Probably about what happened when we arrived at the ball park.  W didn't go b/c he went to the scout troop meeting.  I ask myself, "what did I do to deserve this child?"  I know God you have a purpose for me but why am I feeling so alone.  I mean living with two guys in the house isn't easy.  I feel it's like "guys night out every night." Maybe I'm wrong but sometimes I feel (IDK if I feel or think) that sometimes W doesn't care about me.  I know that's silly but I do at times feel that.  Isn't that sad? It is sad to think that after 24 years of marriage I feel this.  This maybe silly to think but ever since J came to the house W has....IDK.  Whatever!

I feel so lonely that I just want to cry.  I know I have  A LOT of girlfriends that I need or can call and talk but IDK if they can relate to what I'm saying.  I know at least one that can probably relate very well b/c she's in this situation and has been for a long time.  Maybe I'll call her tomorrow. 

I have had a lot of thoughts to just taking a gun and ending it! That would DEFINITELY put me out of misery.  I know that's not the answer but I don't know how much longer I can do this.  I'm trying to say to myself "just hang in there a little longer." "I can do this."  It's difficult when you're in an unfamiliar place and you don't anyone, you're not sure where to go or how far you can go w/o loosing your way.  I know God that this part of my life is a "season" in my life but how much longer do I have to go through it? I know it's all in Your time and not mine. 

Why does J irritate me so much? I don't get it!!! But not matter what he does he irritates me so much!!! Ugh!!! I'm so freakin mad right now I can't stand it!

IDK, maybe I'm not cut out to be a mom and just be an aunt.  I probably shouldn't have adopted J at all.  I mean I was such a nice person and now I've become a real bitch.  I mean I'm usually not this way at all but I've become this person since I've adopted or when J has come into our home.  I've been a raging bitch ever since.  Is that normal?  But then again what is normal?  J is always wanting to what's wrong with me.  I keep telling him that he doesn't want to know what I'm thinking b/c more than likely that my thoughts aren't nice and about him.  I don't usually regret many things in my life I think this is the first time I've regreted something. 

IDK why my heart is so hardened.  But I know that ever since J has come my heart has been hardening since.  I don't understand why though.  That's the problem.  I try to love him but how can I love someone when that person doesn't love me.  The other thing is, I'm not sure if I love him.  I'm not even sure if I love W anymore.  IDK what love is.  The only thing I feel that I love is B.  I know I used to know what love is but I'm not so sure anymore.

IDK. 

Saturday, March 23, 2013

This week was pretty good.  Well, I should say so-so.  Monday was okay but was a little difficult b/c we had P.E. with the Bailey's.  We had our argument as usual b/c he felt that since he had P.E. he was able to relax AWHILE or take a nap.  I swear this kid has some nerve.  I catch him constantly about how relaxed he is just b/c he's homeschooled.  I keep reminding him that would he ask the teacher to take a nap after they had P.E.? And of course I would get NO! Then why would you ask that of me? Or I ask him, "would you ask your teacher if you could take a nap b/c your tired after P.E.? Of course he would say no. So I don't get why would he ask me of this stuff!  That's what I don't understand.

Tuesday rolled around my gosh, I had to ask myself "what went wrong." Tuesday started out like our typical day.  School at 9, finished at 1:45 b/c we had a dr's appt. with Dr. Ed (as he likes to be called).  If I haven't already indicated to you that Dr. Ed is a psychologist that deals with CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy).  We have been going to him for a couple of weeks now and I really wish we would get into the therapy.  We talked about some stuff and before we left he had J with something he should do.  That is to not yell at "mom" and to stop and think and then do. Well, that all went out of the window Tuesday night at the Troop meeting.  I mean the first half of the meeting went well but the 2nd half! Wow! Everything he had talked about Dr. Ed with went out the window.

Feeling Nothing

Sunday, March 17th

Well Happy St. Patrick's Day everyone!!! Had a good day (sort of) but the one thing I TRY to do is to interact with J.  Not that I'm always successful but at least I try.  I also try to walk away from him when he gets angry or rude or anything b/c of me.  Like I said I try but don't always succeed.  You eventhough I talk with Wade about things I STILL don't get a "atta boy."  You know I know it's only me, me being the only girl in the family, I feel like it's the "Guys against the Girls." I feel like I get seconds like I did when I was growing up.  I got last of the attention or none at all.  I try to let things go but I don't really ask for much but when I would like to purchase something I usually get the "we don't have the money" answer but Wade has no problem going to Big 5 or going to some sport store buying something for J without fail.  So when W buys these things, does he REALLY need them? I mean a rain cover for J's tent.  I mean does he really need it for this coming up weekends camping trip? I don't think so b/c it's not going to rain.  I mean we're going into the summer months and not that California has alot of rainny days in the summer.  There has been other things as well but not going to go there.  I think W makes up for me arguing with J constantly.  My feelings are with that is if he JUST does what he's supposed to do I wouldn't be yelling or on him in the second place. 

Like tonight, I simply went into J's room to talk to him (yes talk) about the assignments that he is suppose to get to me by Tuesday.  Of course, I get the lame ass excuse "I didn't have enough time." I'm so freakin' tired of the F-in excuse that just tells me you really don't freakin' care.  I could understand why some teachers just give up b/c the kids don't care.  I finally walk out of J's room b/c I'm so pissed off at his attitude.  It's 8:45 or so (close to 9:00pm) and I see W walking towards that direction.  I ask W to tell J to get ready for bed (start putting away things). Of course J says, "okay Dad, I'll do it in a minute." J's minute is like 30 min. later.  Anyways, I hear J getting yelled at by W b/c J was shooting W in the back with his Nerf gun.  W is yelling at J b/c it's not time to play it's time to get ready to go to bed! So I step in and show J that he has not even gotten ready for bed b/c he's got stuff on his bed, stuff on his floor etc.  Well, that didn't sit well with W and W starts yelling at me in front of J.  Well, I totally understand why J doesn't respect me is b/c W doesn't respect me as well.  J sees W yelling at me and so J is just fall suite.  I really shouldn't be yelling at J for being disrespectful to me at all.  It's W I should be yelling at. J is the innocent victum in our relationship. 

My relationship with W has totally gone down hill.  I understand why after couples are married for awhile on why they get divorced b/c after awhile one of the two can't stand them b/c either I have changed or W have changed.  I probably have changed a "bitch" b/c I have to deal with J whom I think most of the time is a real idiot! I mean J doesn't remember what he does or what he says.  That's pretty pathetic!!! It's real sad that I can't even have the relationship I want with my own son!!! I've seen other mom's relationships with their son and I'm envious of it.  I say one word or request something, I get yelled at by J.  I would really like to leave this situation and not worry about child custody or anything.  If I could I would really like to just walk out of this marriage and stop being a wife, and a mother and I don't think I'll have any heart feelings.  When W was yelling at me I didn't even feel bad that he's yelling at me.  Isn't that sad! It was just rolling off my back like water rolling off of a ducks feathers.  It didn't even sink in.  I guess it's like my parents.  Waiting out the time when I could just walk away and not have to worry about anyone or anybody.  Is it terrible that I'm thinking this way.  I mean W tells me he couldn't stand it if he lost me.  Well yelling at me in front of your son isn't going to help any! No wonder he doesn't respect me b/c you don't either.  I don't get any edifying or telling me when I'm feeling I can't do it that I can.  I mean I'm getting my edifying through my womans group than I'm getting with W.  Now that's sad.  Not even keep up the good work or you can do this. All I'm getting is, "it's whatever you want to do." or "you decided on this." Of course, I'm not going to get the backing I need from anyone.  I'm feeling all alone.  I need to somehow creat a real friendship with one or all of the women in the group and call them when I'm feeling low.  I mean I could do just that with S.W. and T.R. but I hate to always whine to them.  I just want to vent and I can't do it on FB.  I've got too many people that would bash me for what I WANT to say. Plus I would have ONE particular person REALLY hate me for posting the stuff I want to post as well.

Well enough venting.  Thank you for listening.

My Journey-Part 2

So it's been 10 days of my last confession.  I thought maybe I should start with something like that since we're in the Easter season. I pray that the Lord watch over me and give me strength when I don't have any. Amen.

Now back to the original scheduled program. So in "My Journey - Part 1" I mentioned that I was having a hard time whether or not to homeschool.  I am concerned about J's anger issues and I'm finally getting the assistance he is needing.  I like this guy so far.  I like him not b/c he has validated every argument and feeling I've been feeling he understands how J works.  My only concern is he indicated to me that he would have to have sessions by himself with J.  I'm not sure how to feel about that.  I'm wondering if there is a way to get the background of a dr? I'm sure there is but I'm not sure how to go about it.  I'll have to ask the people on FB.  We've only gone on two sessions and it has been difficult.  I'm not quite sure on who it has been difficult on? I'm hoping these sessions are going to be helpful b/c I've experienced explosions of anger AFTER the sessions when we get into the car.

With that said actually he has been doing fairly well with his anger but still need ALOT more help.  I've been trying to figure out the things that trigger him but I think it's just me.  I can't really say or do anything w/o getting him angry.  I know one day that he will look back and say thanks. (I hope).  I try to make sure since we're homeschooling that we go to a lot of the field trips and be part of a group out here.  I've made sure that we go to the park days twice a month.  I've been going back and forth as far as homeschooling or not.  I went to a V-CHEO park day on Thrusday and I had a great time.  I look forward to going to a Mom's Night Out on Monday.  They are doing BUNCO! I LOVE Bunco. It's such a fun game.  If you've never played you should.  Anyways, I was talking to one of the ladies about whether or not to homeschool next year and she had given me some info on why I should continue to homeschool for the duration or long haul.  I've been churning all the stuff she said and I've decided that I'm going to homeschool next year.  I'm just taking it year after year.  I've also been hanging out with another mom.  Her name is Carolyn.  She is nice and met her through J's boy scout troop.  My thoughts on her is not to cross her b/c he will let you have it and won't let it go.  She is nice but she seems like she gets her way a lot and the husband just lets her do whatever she wants.  She is also homeschooling her daughter.  Her daughter is in the 6th grade.  Too bad.  It would have been great to have her in the classroom with J.  He needs the competition.  But now that I'm going to homeschooling again now I have to prepare on what I'm going to be doing.  I think I'll be doing the same Bible Study and the English.  I think I'll have to look for something on American History.  I'll and science.  I think now I could breathe.  I told Wade about that I had made up my mind about next year.  The thing is I know I won't be getting the backing of my OTHER family members.  I just know it would help J and keep him out of trouble.  I mean if he gets into trouble at home how much trouble would he get into at school with his mouth? Ugh! I hate to think about that.

My Journey

March 2, 2013, Saturday

As I label this particular blog today, "My Journey" I have to ask myself, "what journey am I on?" I have a couple of journeys that I'm on.  For one, homeschooling mom.  I'm just trying to figure out this homeschool stuff and IDK if it's working or not.  J constantly wants me to stay home so I could homeschool him till he's out of school.  Not sure how to take that one.  I am constantly not wanting to but then again it would be good for him to be homeschooled.  I'm constantly at a tugging of "what's right" and "what do I want." What's even MORE difficult is when the family isn't behind you on what your decisions are.  All I'm getting is "JUST PUT HIM IN REGULAR SCHOOL AND BE DONE WITH IT." It's funny that I don't get any pep talks saying, "you know you could do this.  You've been doing it for a couple of years now and you survived.  You can do it."

March 6, 2013, Wedensday

Oh what a lovely day! NOT! So it started out pretty good until Jeremiah came out of his room and was doing his stretching.  I decided to monitor his stretching routine and was counting out each movement.  I was at a number that was not what he was supposed to b/c he finished before I was counting even to 30! I'm like what number was that that you stopped that excerise? he said 30 what? seconds, hold? he's IDK!!! What! What do you mean IDK? You're supposed to know.  I told him to get the paper out and see how long you're supposed to be doing the excerises.  IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE 60 SECONDS!!! Well, it's too long!!! WHAT THE HELL!!! My thought was, if you held it that long where would you be today if you kept it up? Then my next thought was, HOW LAZY CAN SOMEONE GET! Then it went down hill from there.  So now he's doing his work on his own today.  Am I wrong to get angry? I mean he was going to start his day w/o his pills!!! NO FREAKIN' WAY!!! Then he ran/walked over to the kitchen and took his pills and then ran back and kicked the dry erase board and he thought that was funny.  Then he drank his water and spilled some water on the carpet!!! Of course he didn't blame himself for spilling or kicking the board.  They spilled themselves and the board tripped him.  WTH!!! He's such an asshole!!! UGH!!!  Today we were going to start a new lesson on a book called Mik-Shrok.  It would have been great!!!! Of course his attitude got in the way AGAIN and now he's on his own.

Guilty Feelings? No!!!

February 21, 2013

It's Thursday, Feb. 21st and this is our 3rd week of Academy Days.  I mention this b/c J won't be going with me today down into Long Beach.  Why you may ask? Well, it all started on Monday (President's Day), Feb. 18th.  We didn't have school b/c I thought we needed a break from the grind of school.  I actually had the schedule all made out but since it was President's Day I thought I would for go school.  It was a typical morning where I got up and then everyone in the house was waking up slowly since it was a holiday.  Did I mention it was a holiday? lol!!! Anyways, I let J sleep in til 9:00 and then I woke him up.  It started out okay, he got up and did his thing except he stopped where he was to complete having breakfast, taking his pills and doing Bible Study.  So usually I don't mind him playing his Nintendo but I think he should finish what he's supposed to be doing before doing the game thing.  So when I went into his room and caught him I said, "if I catch you doing this again before the things you're supposed to do, I will take it away." Well, I thought I made myself clear but evidently not b/c on Tuesday HE DID THE EXACT SAME THING!!! OMG, REALLY!!! Anyways, going back to Monday, he was good the rest of the day.  I told him that I didn't want him inside all day watching t.v. and to help Grandma on what she wanted him to do.  And he did all that he was supposed to do.  That was a good boy.  I'm very proud of him for doing that. 

TUESDAY MORNING: Well, I told him Monday that since we took "today" (Monday) off from school that we would have to play catch up on Tuesday.  He was fine with it and he even said he wanted to start at 8:30 to finish our school ontime.  No problem!!! So he wakes up early and he proceeds to do his checklist then all of a sudden I don't see him for awhile.  I go back into his room and what do you think he's doing........YEP!!! PLAYING HIS NINTENDO!!! I told him to give me his "red" nintendo and that it's gone for two weeks.  You haven't had breakfast yet or taken your pills.  So his excuse was that "he didn't want to disturb grandma while watching t.v. So I thought I would wait." So you took the FIRST opportunity to play with your game all the while you could have come out and asked Grandma to find out how much longer she was going to be on the t.v.? She could have said "you could watch t.v., I'm done." or "I'll be done in 5 or 10 min. but in the mean time fix your breakfast and eat it then when I'm done you could watch t.v." But instead he ended up getting NO t.v. time at all.  Then he proceeded to yell at me, then I was so upset at this time both of us were yelling at each other.  Anyways, I had enough of trying to explain why I'm so angry that I finally walked away from the situtation.  (Good for me).  Then I thought, his blue nintendo is in there and it's quite in his room, no he wouldn't touch that after all we went through........ah but YES he did.  He was in there playing his nintendo (his blue one).  How did I know you ask? Well when we started school I had to go into his room for something and I saw the blue nintendo in the recliner.  Usually the blue nintendo is on the lamp table.  I thought I would give him the benefit of the doubt.  I didn't want to accuse him of something he didn't do.  So proceeded to ask him about his blue nintendo.  "Did you play your blue nintendo?" J says, "well, it needed to be charged." T says, "that's not what I asked. Did you play with your blue nintendo?" J says, "wel------------------l." T says, "it's a simple yes or no answer. Did you play with your blue nintendo?" J says, "YES." Ugh!!! How disappointing is that one.  I thought he would have been smarter than that.  But NO!!! So now he doesn't have electronics for two weeks.  I hope he realizes that he won't be doing anything til March 4th!!!

WEDNESDAY MORNING: He gets up as usual and he proceeds to come out of his room and feed the animals.  By this time Pearl (the cat) has been meowing for a very long time.  It's past her feeding time and she usually meows til she gets fed.  J is irritated by her meowing at this point and while he start for Pearl's bowl HE KICKS HER!!! OMG, REALLY!!!!  Of course, I have to defend the cat because the cat doesn't know any better all she wants is to be fed! So I proceed to kick J and I could see when I'm scolding him that he's trying to kick me as well  I get very angry at that b/c he didn't like it that I kicked him but it's okay for him to kick the cat!!! NO IT'S NOT!!!  So I tell him that for his really bad behavior he won't be going to Academy Days.  So the thing is since he won't be going to AD neither will I!!! I actually was thinking about this punishment.  Who am I punishing, him or me? Me of course.  But I came up with a great solution.  I STILL have to go to AD b/c I'm helping out in Cooking Class and J is staying home and going with Grandma tomorrow (Friday) to her work and doing school work there!!!! Well, obviously he doesn't like that plan and he got very angry with my decision.  Then don't kick the cat!!! Don't yell at me and don't play nintendo before doing what you're supposed to be doing in the morning! He asked if he could somehow try to work to get it back!!! Sorry, can you undo what you did Tuesday and Wednesday? NO!!! Then you can't go! Simple as that!!!!

I didn't tell Wade hardly any of this.  I just told him some of it.  I didn't tell him that he kicked Pearl either b/c I know he would be VERY angry at that one.

But STILL J is trying to get into my good graces to go with me today.  I asked him "can you undo what you did the last couple of days?" J says, "No." "Then stop asking or you won't go next week either." Tired of saying the same thing.

He still feels that he didn't do anything wrong.  But I have to teach him that he did something VERY wrong and it's just not acceptable and you won't be getting away with it.

Airing my thoughts

February 12, 2013 Tuesday

Well the day started the same way. Yelling, screaming at J.  Of course it's the same thing, get the list done before 9:00 (before school starts).  He didn't have much to do but he did start eating breakfast at 8:10.  Of course he knew that he had to workout (minor stretching routine) at 8:30.  He should be able to get that done before 9:00.  Well he barely got it done but none the less he got it done. We started our Bible Study and we were talking about listening and doing what is told to you the FIRST time rather than 5 times later and then we start yelling at you.  Imagine that, do the request that we ask of you the FIRST time so we are not blamed for getting you angry or mad or pissed off b/c you didn't do what you were told to do!!! While we were talking I was looking at him and I saw that his eyes were dozing off and I was offended!!! Am I not allowed to be offended!?!! I figure I'm taking the time to teach him then I think he should be awake and pay attention. When I saw that he was falling asleep I sent him to run down the street two laps to wake him up.  So I go outside and what is he doing WALKING!!!! So I add another two on to his two he already walked! I told him to run two laps.  He walked it instead.  NOT LISTENING THING!  So he got mad at me that I made him run two more laps! So what does he do! Blame me for getting him pissed off! WHAT! He blames me for getting him mad! He blames me for getting him mad! What a freakin' asshole!!! Now if he RAN the two laps I told him to run, I wouldn't have added two laps on for him to run if he ran the original two. Imagine that!!! Listening carefully to instructions and do it the FIRST time! How is that working out J?! Not so much! Then he kept on going and going and going and so that got me more pissed off and I just finally threw down my books and yelled, "I'VE HAD IT!!! I HATE HOMESCHOOLING B/C OF FREAKIN' DAYS LIKE THIS." "EVERYDAY THE SAME FREAKIN' THING DIFFERENT DAY." "I HATE HOMESCHOOLING AND I'M NOT DOING IT NEXT YEAR." So I decided I call the middle school he will be attending next year to see what I need to do to get that going. I told J that I love homeschooling when things are going well. He gets in there and does what he's suppose to do and get it done! Like yesterday.  I mean we were supposed to be done early but of course he decided otherwise.  I get that he wanted to go wit his Dad to the storage and help him but school comes first! So he gets his English and Math done all before 11:30!!! OMG!!! If only he would do that everyday and get it done I wouldn't mind doing homeschooling.  But NO!!! He gives me grief and moaning and groaning, mumbling and gripping.  Then after he's doing all that THEN he does the work and he gets it done within 10-30 min. 

I so want to say that I hate my kid! It would be the truth! But if I said that it would be mean! There is so much I want to say but I don't b/c it would be REALLY mean.  There is so much I want to say to Wade but I can't b/c it would be mean and totally be disrepectful.  But what I don't get, I ask to purchase one thing from a scapbook expo (maybe $20 or 25) and I can't but W would go out and buy J something for his scouts that would cost MORE than what I want to spend.  W just spent $100 on stuff to go camping on what we can't afford.  If I was him I would have put stuff back and lowered the cost on the stuff.  I would have thought about the STUFF I was purchasing to see if you REALLY need it!!! If you don't really need it at this time and get by with what we have then fine.  That would be LESS than what would be spent and have money in the bank for the essentials!!! But I can't buy one small thing!!! I don't get it!!! W didn't REALLY need to spend the $100 at all!!! I bet he could have used what we had in our camping gear!

My thoughts are all over the place and I'm so deeply disappointed and hurt I don't even know where to go or what to do.

A small success for me

January 23, 2013

I know with all this writing that maybe someday I'll look back at all these thoughts and think to myself, "Wow, I can't believe how long I've come" or "gosh, how mean I was to my own son" or "what a good mom/wife I was to deal with such crap."  These days I've been a little mixed up on some things.  I'm trying so hard, at least I think I'm trying, not to be or get upset or mad at my son.  I've been reading a lot of things about parenting a child with ADHD and Aspergers and they all said to be calm.  As much as I try not to get angry I always do.  I've been trying to walk away when I start arguing with him.  I've been walking away hopefully before anything starts.  I've just realized (well, I JUST didn't realize) that I'm arguing with an 11 year old! What the hell does an 11 year know!!! NOTHING!!! So now they think just by living 11 years they know everything!!! I think that's what upsets me the most!!! My question to myself is: WHY DO THE THINGS HE DOES BUG ME SO MUCH? I mean I have things that bug me too but gosh, why does the things HE does bug me?  It shouldn't b/c it's J and I should be patient with him. Ugh!!! I try not to have those things he does bug me so much but it does.  It's so annoying. I'm sure none of you understand what I'm going through!

So anyways, today was an interesting day.  We started school off a little different.  First of all he was late b/c he didn't set alarm clock b/c he forgot to set it.  Second, he ended up running behind the rest of the morning and when he starts running behind schedule it makes it not a good day at all. He finished his morning routine and of course he was late for school. He started at 9:20!!! School starts at 9:00!!! Before we start I thought I would have him read the following:

 

"The Fence

 

There once was a little boy who had a bad temper.  His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every timehe lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the fence.  The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence.  Over the next few weeks as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily, gradually dwindled down.  He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.

 

Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all.  He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper.  The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone.

 

The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence.  He said "you have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence.  The fence will never be the same,  When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one."  You can put a knife in a man and draw it out.  It won't matter how many times you say I'm sorry, the wond is still there. Make sure you control your temper the next time you are temped to say something you will regret later."

 

I had J read this story and when he finished he didn't understand that the story is about him.  I wonder.  I wonder the reason why he is not understanding is b/c of his Aspergers b/c of the disconnection with feelings.  Or he's just not connecting b/c he's just not connecting that it would pertain to him? Not sure how to take this.  So I go into this rendition of how it's our job (as parents) to bring him up like a man according to the Bible.  It's our job and a command made by God that we bring our children up in the ways of the Lord b/c when he's grown and moves from us it will not leave him.  I like the IDEA of the putting a nail in a piece of wood everytime he gets angry.  I think I need that!! lol!!! I would like to see how many times I get angry at him.  Maybe that will show that I need to be more flexible or understanding.  Maybe it would show me how many times he gets angry at something so small or just something I said.  I told him that I don't tell him to do things to ruin his life, I tell him to do things b/c he needs to learn!!! The Bible says that always have OBEY (even I) what is asked of me.  No grumbling, griping, moaning or groaning.  We have to do what we have to do whether we like it or not.

 

With that long talk we FINALLY started school and we even ended early!!! Woohoo!!! At 2:00. I think he enjoyed the mini field trip we did about the trees in the area.  We had a science field trip.  I'm wondering what I'm going to be teaching tomorrow.  Oh yeah, We have history. 

 

Lord I pray that you work on me and You chisel away all the bad junk that have piled upon me.  Make me new and shiney.  Chisel away all the blotches and rub my body to shine for you. I pray You give me strength when I feel week and You lift me up when I fall.  I bow to You and honor You in all that You do and say. Have me to follow your ways and may I be a vessel for You and only you.

 

Amen.



Socially Acceptable

January 18, 2013

I woke up early this morning expecting to have a good day.  Why would I expect anything other THAN a good day?  With the sun shining and the weather is going to nice today, why would I think otherwise.  But that thought is short lived.  With J waking up and W gone, I think J was stressed that he didn't get to see W this morning. 

IDK, maybe it was me that started it but you tell me.  It started out telling J after he was finished mixing the dog food to give to the dog, that he cleaned up his area before feeding Babe.  I commend him for cleaning for sure but he isn't the fastest person that does a task quickly. He decided to wash the can and rinse out the sink before feeding the dog.  IDK, maybe I'm looking way too much into it but shouldn't you feed the dog FIRST before you clean your area where you mixed the pet food?  But then again, I was trying to teach him how to be socially acceptable.  Is that too much?  I mean he was acting like a real ASSHOLE!!! Now my thought is that if I'm thinking it then someone else would too.  But the thing is he said, "Fucking Asshole." So in all essence he got his electronics taken away today.  Okay maybe I shouldn't have said what I said then maybe he wouldn't have said what he said.  (Wade isn't going to like this).  Oh well! Then J was going to walk away, but he actually turned and asked me if I was done talking to him.  Of course I said yes and he stormed away and slammed the door!! What else is new!!! So of course I go back to his room and tell him to stop slamming doors (been telling him to stop that since we lived here - 6 months).  I'm getting tired of telling him the same thing.  I guess our conversation started out to where he said, "sorry." Anyways, he got angry at me and blamed me for getting him angry. I've told him since he slammed the doors and his attitude is not in check, he has lost his electronics for the day. As we were talking he got more angry and he motioned for his BB Gun. You say WHAT! Yes, he motioned for his BB Gun and looking at me that way. I'm sorry but that to me is not acceptable.  So he had his electronics taken away for a week!!!

So after awhile of talking of who's fault it was who started it, I decided I was going to bow out of the conversation and left.  So what did he do??? He slammed the door AGAIN!!! Does this kid NOT learn!!! OMG, REALLY????!!!!  So I go back in to his room and remind him AGAIN to NOT slam the doors.  Stop taking your anger out on the door, the door didn't do anything to you.  J tells me that he's angry.  I get that.  Really??? Didn't notice you were angry.  Duh!!!  Of course your angry but you have to channel that anger a different way. 

He's not making me want to homeschool next year!! I think if I did that would be insane.  You know the meaning of insanity, doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.  I must be insane then.  lol!!!

With me talking to him and not yelling kind of makes things good.  He's calm when I spoke to him. I guess me reading all these websites are helping plus doing a bible study on Anger Management helped as well.  I'M TRYING REALLY HARD NOT TO YELL.  IDK if that's my new years resolution or what but I've been trying to not to react on what he says.  I think that's the thing.  I'm trying to walk away when the intuition tells me to and not to cave in on when he talks to me.  I try to point out when he's "baiting" me along and when I catch him, oh boy, he hates that!!! He is a dead give away when I catch him on what he's trying to do and when he lies. 

Doesn't he know by now that I've been there done that sort of thing? I guess not.  I guess that's why he's not all there and clueless.

What the future lies....

January 13, 2013

This past week went well.  This was the start of a fairly good week as far as homeschooling went.  J was cooperating and he actually did his work and he finished each day early.  IMAGINE THAT! I've been telling him that since September.  Like I told J and W before, I LOVE homeschooling when I'm not having so many bad days compare to the good days.  I guess I'm asking too much as far as having good days out weigh the bad days.  I don't think I'm ask too much b/c isn't when the kids go to school they get in there, do their job and leave at a decent time from school.  The teachers don't allow certain things to happen to make the schedule fall behind.  I've been up in the air about sending J back into school and today was one of those bad days.  Well, I KNOW what the reason for the bad day.  He'd forgotten to take his daytime pill.  He seems more respectful (not by much) and listens more when he's on his daytime pill than when he's not on his pill.  I like him better when he's on his pill.  Isn't that sad that a tiny pill makes such a difference and when I try to help him he gets angry or gives me attitude.  How many times does it take to get your point across? This morning was a perfect example when he's not on his pills.  We had breakfast and he had chocolate milk with a straw (nothing wrong with that). When he was getting close to the bottom he started slurping his chocolate milk from his straw.  I understand about slurping at the end of a great drink trust me.  I do that all the time but to continue on AFTER you have been told to stop!! He kept on doing it AFTER I told him NOT to do that again 4 - 5x after I've told him two prior times AND his grandmother had told him to stop as well a couple of MORE times.  So I took his electronics away for the day.  We got home from going to Target and he had homework to do before doing anything else.  He FINALLY finished a letter that he started at the beginning of this month and then he finally finished his Diamante poem that was assigned to him last Friday. With his issues he doesn't finish any of his tasks that are given to him.  Example: September for Science he made a paper mache' earth.  He has YET to put the other continents on there yet!!! I'M STILL WAITING!!!  I just get so frustrated.

Anyways, to finish what I started to say at the beginning of my blog.  This past week was fairly good.  It had its ups and downs. I think I would say more ups than downs but just wait till I tell my week and then tell me. 

Monday went well, school started out well, well, maybe it didn't.  J was late as always.  I know how could he be late for school when the school is at home, you might ask? IDK, you would probably have to ask J yourself.  I could never figure that one out either. lol! Anyways, we started school and ended early!!! Imagine that!

Tuesday, was the same started late and finished early. Don't ask! 

Wednesday, I laid down the law.  I told him that I'm tired of him coming into school whenever he wanted so I told him if you're late I start taking away the things he loves the most.  His NINTENDO 3DS/DS games, then T.V. time etc. Amazing what happens when you lay down the law and seeing that he's going to be loosing privileges he moves his butt.  He actually started on time Wednesday morning!

Thursday, I met a great group of HOMESCHOOLED Mom's at Chucky E. Cheeses.  This group is called V-CHEO (Valley Christian Homeschool Education Organization). It's been a long time waiting for me to find a group that I'm looking for.  I found some other ones but the group seem younger than what I'm looking for.  This group V-CHEO has a great mixture of kids that has younger to older (Sr's in H.S.) So this is good.  They do some fun things and have a Mom's Night Out!!! Love it!!! Got done with that meeting and J had an eye appt.  Went to the eye appt and wanted to check his eyes.  Well it comes to find out that he needs reading glasses.  Plus about 3-4 yrs ago he was supposed to receive Vision Therapy but it was too expensive (I was working at that time) I couldn't afford it AND couldn't take the time off to take him there. Now  2013 he needs the therapy again and my sister A, had offered to pay for $2K for the therapy.  That's how much she swears by it.  I know it would be helpful for J then and it would be helpful to him now.  So we set up everything (appts for the next 24 sessions).  I text A to see if that offer was still on the table.  SIDE NOTE: While all this was going on my mother was reaking havoc to everyone as well.  Her early signs of Alzheimers (sp?) all came to fruicion (sp?).  Unbeknownst to me that A was needing to deal with atty's to get a Power of Atty for her mental state.  So going back to my texting A about the Vision Therapy.  A texts back and says no she can't pay for the therapy sessions.  Total downer!!! I was so disappointed I couldn't even tell you.  Well at least J will be receiving his glasses but I'm disappointed about the therapy.  The Dr. was so great!!! She was going to GIVE me 4 ADDITIONAL sessions!!! That was a blessing!!! She didn't have to do that!!

Friday, started on time and did his work and finished early.  He did well, and he asked me if he could have T.V. time or Nintendo time? I told him Nintindo time was good but he threw in ice cream.  Of course I said no b/c he choose the reward for the week! That was not on the list of his choice.  But he was gracious and understood and he choose Nintendo.  That was good.

Saturday, Ugh, not good b/c he had forgotten his pill and it was arguing and complaining, gripping about doing stuff.

Sunday, read the beginning of this blog and that's Sunday morning.

I'm still not sure what I want to do about school.  Think, think, think.

And it just got crazier - Part 2

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Well, since the blow out of this afternoon, things have NOT changed as J has indicated to me.  Imagine that! The promise to me was to have his attitude change, focus more, and pay attention more.  Well at least that's the goal. :D We'll see how that goes.  Anyways, it's amazing on how one persons attitude affects the whole place. 

I had an epiphany (sp?) today.  When W was mentioning to J that we have both had it with his attitude and all that other stuff in discussion today that he would be going back to school and that we would be done with homeschooling.  W was indicating to J that if he doesn't shape up by giving me that respect, as a teacher, I should be receiving, doing what I ask and stop arguing then he would be going back to school.  W indicated as of today this is the line and if he doesn't shape up he's going back.  Okay you got that.  Well, I had an epiphany when W said all that.  I heard EVERYTHING W was saying and it got me to think about all that.  The one question that I had come up with is, "how long DO I want to wait for J? I've been waiting since the beginning of the school year to change but he hasn't." That's what hit me in the face and that's why I (myself) had made the decision to have J go back to school.  I was supposed to wait until he shaped up but how long would that be???? I don't want to wait anymore.  Well, with the decision I made it didn't go over very well with W.  He took as though I totally disregarded his decision and made him feel like SHIT (as he said).  But that wasn't the case at all.  That made me think and as myself, "Do I want to wait AGAIN?"

Since W didn't like my decision he was VERY angry at me (rightfully so) and got out of the house (understandable).  I've been in that place many a time when I made a decision and J told me "well, Daddy told me........" Which totally underminded what I had said previously.  There have been times when I felt VERY angry at W but I didn't leave.  I just dismissed it like it was not big deal.  But anyways, I had made amends with W.  He's REALLY having a hard time with this move to Moreno Valley and us moving into his mom's house.  I realize it's difficult b/c he feels he has failed.  I'm sure with everyone of the families that have lost their houses, they have one time or another have felt that same way.  I just wish that W had a "guy" friend that he confide in like I do with my GF's that I have.  I have a great support group of girls that I could confide in and not have them judge me and also tell me the truth and not what I want to hear but what I SHOULD hear whether it's a good thing or bad thing I want to hear.  W doesn't have anyone and that's sad.  He has closed himself off so much that he doesn't or haven't had a friend that he could call a "friend" in such a long time.  I pray that W finds a friend or friends that he can confide in and I pray that he finds God in a whole different light. I pray that he find God as his bestfriend.  May the Lord open his eyes to see his dearest friend of all......God.  I praise the Lord for the circle of friends I have that the Lord has given me.  I thank you Lord for the support in the homeschool.  :D

And it just got crazier

January 3, 2013

Wow, it's 2013!  How is your 2013 starting out? I sure hope it's better than mine. Mine was quite interesting and STILL not sure about how to take it or handle it. 

New Years Eve Eve - I got a text from J (a friend of mine) and asked if we wanted to come over for NYE.  I haven't answered back b/c not sure if W wanted to do that.  I haven't been sure a lot of things late with him.  I mean if I were alone, I would be doing all kinds of stuff.  I know he's 50 something but do you HAVE to seem like you're 90 something.  I mean, his mom is more active than he is!! Sheesh!!! Anyways, I told him I received a call/text from her and told him what she was wanting.  He sort of grunted! Not sure what that meant but I didn't say anything an waited for him to think about it.  I waiting until S (J's hubby) texted me and asked me the same question.  But first let me retract.  I waited a while and thought I would text Jamie to let her know I got her vm and that we weren't going to be going to spend NYE with them b/c I didn't think he would want his mom to be alone on NYE. I showed W the text I was going to send out.  He told me to hold off on that and still thinking about it.  Now back to S's text with that same question.  I texted back to let S know that I was waiting for W's answer but for me I would love to come but waiting for W. Stupid me, I show W S's text back to me but he had seen my answer to S.  So he finally decides and we go.

New Years Eve - We get to J & S's house around 3:30ish and get settled in.  Walking into their house there is their friends. We talk a little bit and they left around 5ish.  We are all getting ready to go out to dinner. We have reservations at 6:30.  Get to dinner at 6:30 and start in with the margi's.  Well, W hasn't been drinking in a while but he pounds them down like it's water.  I know by the time we finish with dinner he's a drunk (not sure the level of drunkenness but drunk never the less).  Me, I kept to having wine.  I last a long time when I drink wine vs if I drank Margi's. I would have been passed out on the couch by that time we finished dinner. So we leave the restaurant and the boys want to go to the store to get Margi stuff to make at home.  Well, mind you we JUST finished with dinner and have had so much food that I'm ready to explode.  W is driving and I tell him to not drive so crazy or else I'm really going to have to get out of the car.  So W chimes in and says, "Oh what, now I can't drive and so you could just drive." Proceeds to park the car in the grocery store and slams the door.  J looks at me and I tell her, "see what I have to deal with." I say nothing.  I wait patiently in the car until the boys come out of the grocery store with their goods.  Then W says, "what you're not in the driver seat?" Then J's son chimes in "no, she's playing a game on my phone." I just sit there and say nothing. Of course he won't remember what he said and how he said it b/c he is that way when he gets drunk.  He's a mean drunk in disguise.  He doesn't know but that's what he is.  I've noticed that over the years and of course he doesn't remember anything mean he says to mean.  I guess when you're drunk the REAL feelings come out b/c then you can give that excuse that you don't remember! :( Pretty sad if you ask me.

NY Day - wake up and W is all nice and refreshed (sort of).  I suspect that he feels tire b/c he's all hung over or close to it.  He wonders why he's so tired! Hmmmmmm, I wonder why?!!! Duh!!! You've been drinking the night before pinhead!!! OMGosh!!!!  Anyways, he doesn't remember what he says the day before.  Typical and I haven't mentioned anything. 

I guess you can say that with J (son) it was pretty good.  He had his moments (real idiot) but he did good.  I'm not sure what's worse for J, being with someone that he's an idiot too, or by himself and being an idiot.  So either way he's an idiot.  I say it b/c I know he won't see this!!! I know it's terrible but it's true!!!